


The Point Of No Return (Re-upload)

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: Character Analysis, F/F, angsty, character exploration, with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:39:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: Karma's entire world is crumbling to pieces as the prison doors shut behind her. This time she fears it's genuinely too late - she lost the strength to put it back together, or the will to forgive and forget. She may be broken beyond repair. Amy completely wrecked her, but can she be the one to fix her too?(Post 2A finale, Karma-centric. Re-uploaded).





	1. Stripped

She never thought it could have ever come to this. Everything was steadily crashing down around her and she was drowning slowly, her breath coming in sharp gasps, but she wouldn't let it show – it was enough that she allowed her to see her eyes watering, she didn't deserve to be granted access to see beyond after what she had the audacity to do. She didn't want her former best friend to see how truly broken she was on the inside, how her soul was shattering and her heart was being clenched until it bled, how she was struggling to keep her outward visage composed with superhuman efforts as she exited that prison cell. She was so used to wearing a mask but when she walked out of there, she knew she'd never be the same again.

 _She did this to me –_ she repeated obsessively in her head. _And she deserves to pay, to know how it feels and how much she's screwed up._ Her thoughts were getting increasingly darker, despite her hollow reassurance that their friendship was back on track. It wasn't. It wasn't even close. Of all people, Amy did this to her.

 _Her_ Amy.

It was a betrayal beyond reason, a portrayal of her worst nightmares brought to life. She couldn't get over it. Not now, possibly never. She was shaking with rage and went straight to Liam instead of making a scene right there. Maybe she should've. Her whole body was screaming at her to just let Amy flush that stupid necklace down the drain, to let that cheap symbol of their bond go to waste, just like their friendship had on the night of the wedding. Amy threw it away long before dangling that useless piece of jewelry in her face, like it meant something.

It didn't. Not anymore.

Then why couldn't she let her do it? She wished she had. But she couldn't. Something within her wouldn't let her. And she was terrified of coming to terms with the reason why – imagining a life without Amy scared her more than anything ever did. She couldn't even picture it without her heart sinking and her limbs shaking in panic.

_You have to transfer schools, because I never want to see your fucking face ever again._

It was a hollow threat, but one she needed to hear. She wondered if she meant that, on some level, if she even wanted a world without Amy after what transpired. Maybe she's gotten so used to having her around, it wasn't even friendship anymore – just the force of habit. Maybe she was right – it was a relationship they had both outgrown, even before her massive betrayal.

Or maybe she was just deluding herself for God only knows how long.

Her thoughts were a tangled mess of contradictions and there was no end in sight to her struggle. She was so mad, betrayed, confused, ashamed and humiliated – and not only because of Amy, though a large part of that was her doing.

She was stripped. Stripped of her personality, of everything clear and true in her life, everything that made sense. She didn't know who she was anymore. And she had no one to turn to. She was completely alone and she dreaded that with her whole being – becoming that person that everyone left behind as they moved on with their lives.

It had been the worst day of her life and she knew there was more to come. Of course her stupid, hippie parents were fucking drug dealers and got busted in front of the entire school, driving away any semblance of acceptance or acknowledgement she still had in that crowd. She was publicly humiliated and exposed for the loser that she was – a faux lesbian, a girl so insecure she was willing to even fake being blind to make people stop and momentarily look at her, see her, acknowledge her presence. That was who she's always been - fucking ordinary and painfully insecure – so easy to ignore.

She only wanted to be normal all along. To no longer be seen as the daughter of the hippies, to no longer live in the shadow of her perfect adopted brother, who, despite not being related to any of them by blood, still integrated better in that environment than she ever could. She wanted to be cherished for her flawed nature and not be seen as the less desirable child of the two, for once. Her parents were image obsessed alright. They loved to keep up appearances but they never truly bonded with her or accepted the person that she was, they only accepted the person they thought she was.

They loved her more when she fake came out than they ever did before.

_Fucking hypocrites._

She only wanted to be a regular teenage girl. She's dreamed of it for as long as she can remember – to be that popular girl, surrounded by people who genuinely enjoyed her presence, to have that status and that self-validation. She wanted prince charming, she wanted that white fucking picket fence and a bunch of kids running around happily. She _lived_ in that fairytale. It was her escape from the real world, a world not quite as she always imagined it, but a lot more cruel, unforgiving and hard to grasp or assimilate into.

She's made that fairytale her ultimate purpose - she _wanted_ it, she _craved_ it with her entire being and clung to it with her last breath, despite the writing on the wall, despite all the signs pointing into a different direction, one that scared the living daylights out of her because it was so painfully real and risky and _right._

So, what else to do when faced with the unfamiliar or dangerous than to run for the hills and reject it? She might've read something about the so-called fight-or-flight response once but her mind was too fucked up to remember anything coherent or potentially helpful.

It was so much easier to be normal instead, while letting the rest of the world buy into her lie that she was actually different. The irony of it all was that a part of her wanted to stand out, but she was afraid to face what differentiated her from other people. It was just easier to keep up the act. She liked people believing she was out of the ordinary, but when it came to actually acknowledging the giant elephant in the room – that she may genuinely be having feelings for her female best friend too - she backed out and crawled into a hole of self-imposed denial.

She wanted to be that one girl who could get the hottest guy in school to give her the time of day. She wanted to be that one person who could change him, turn him from a womanizer into a genuine prince charming, committed to her and her only. Because if she could do that, she _meant_ something, she _was_ something, she could stop being that loser set apart from others since birth. She didn't have a regular family and she always stood out because of that.

So then why did she feel the need to stand out and be different in high school too? Because she wanted it to be for the reasons she chose herself, she wanted to make herself popular in an odd high school that valued the opposite of conformity or the norm. And faking being a lesbian sounded like a great plan. She could keep up appearances and still get the boy.

And Amy, being the idiot that she was, went along with it instead of stopping her or pointing out the error in her ways. She didn't want to think of the reasons why Amy did what she did, she didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the blonde was willing to do just about everything for her, if she asked.

Because if she did, she'd be brought back to all the _stupid_ things she had the nerve to utter to her in that filthy jail cell, she'd start visualizing blue eyes brimming with hot tears, she'd start recalling the sound of her shaking voice, the desperation in her pleas, the vibrant honesty in her speech.

She didn't need to get back to that. Amy had no damn right to tell her those things, after everything she did, after lying to her face about sleeping with Liam for weeks. Technically, they were broken up, he wasn't even her boyfriend at that time, but it still didn't make it sting less or feel like any less of a betrayal.

She didn't want to consider the idea that Amy was actually secretly attracted to Liam and her goal was to chase after him all along. Everything Amy confessed refuted that but she was too pissed off to give a flying fuck about her "best friend" and her motives. For all she cared, she could've enjoyed it and lied to her face about the rest. It wasn't the first time.

_Why is that so hard to believe?_

_Because Liam Booker can have any girl in school._

_Why would he want me? Thanks._

She didn't want to even imagine that gruesome possibility, but the twisted mental images kept coming in giant waves, irrespective of her will. As it turned out, she liked to torture herself, as if she wasn't in enough pain already. But she was so goddamn hurt and pissed-off and her thoughts were all over the place.

She needed to regain control, to prove to herself that she still had a lease on Liam, on the embodiment of her fairytale.

That's why she jumped his bones in the art room -to feel something again, other than shame and humiliation, to convince herself that his touch has been the only one that could take her over the edge all along, that a slow, tender kiss shared with her best friend at a failed threesome meant absolutely nothing, that it didn't even get close to the euphoric feeling she always experienced when Liam gripped her waist and kissed her senselessly.

Maybe Liam was no longer her prince charming. But that still didn't mean she would let go of her fantasy. Her world had crumbled to dust and the only thing still standing was that image. She was holding onto it for dear life. Because if she didn't, she had nothing. She had no identity anymore. She had built herself as the princess, the damsel-in-distress waiting for prince charming her entire life.

But as she felt his weight shifting on top of her, she realized how wrong she's been all along.

Liam Booker was just a boy who wanted her for all the wrong reasons. Just like her. His chest was too broad, his hands too rough and his kisses too heated and overly eager.

She didn't want to recall smaller, gentler hands, a softer touch, a barely applied pressure to her lips and a hesitant grip on her waist, as the confetti fell down upon them both in the most cliche, unexpectedly endearing and somehow mildly romantic setting.

She didn't want to recall the gravity of the most real moment of her life, so wrong yet so right –it was a crazy plan she should've never conceived in the first place, it happened in a sleazy motel room, but it shook her to her core because her guard was down and she didn't expect to feel so much, all at once.

Every time her guard is down, in comes her stupid former best friend dropping bombs on her –betraying her, breaking her without putting her back together, telling her all of these ridiculous things that she didn't dare to admit she's wanted to hear from someone for as long as she can remember.

She didn't want to address why Liam's love admission and apology made her loathe him and shoot him with that stupid toy gun and metaphorically "kill him", instead of making her melt before him and forgive him instantly. Past Karma would've swooned at the prospect of the dreamy guy she spent weeks attempting to get to fall head over heels with her finally reciprocating and confessing that he loved her back.

She didn't want to address the fact that Amy's second love confession struck her, touched her, moved her and wounded her in ways Liam's never could.

_Well, I've been me for 15 years and no one's fallen for me. Except for you._

_I've been in love with you since the day we met._

_I fucking hate you, Amy._ \- the angry words poured out of her, but the echo only resonated in her subconscious, as she made her way to the familiar art studio, allowing all of her pent-up frustration, anger and raw hurt to transfer onto Liam, not that he seemed to mind.

He was just another hormonal teenage boy that she had strung along. She even succeeded in making him fall in love with her. But it wasn't the real her. It was the person she had made herself to be around him – the bold girl who indulged in secret art room make-outs, the kind of girl willing to have her first time in the backseat of a car for him, the kind of girl who chained herself to a door or sung in public just to impress him. Of course the way to a man's heart is through boosting his ego, first and foremost.

She did all of that, and when the truth came out and he saw her for the real her, what did he do? He slept with her fucking best friend because she had the nerve not to be a real lesbian and therefore he fulfilled his idiotic straight guy fantasy in the end, taking her best friend's virginity, wounding both of them.

As much as she despised Amy right then, she deserved more from her first time than a drunken hook up with a guy she hated too.

It should've been special. It should've been with someone she loved.

 _Well, she's screwed that up herself._ – the words kept flowing like venom in her mind.

Karma lied about who she was, but the perfect, stand-up guy filled with integrity, Liam Booker only wanted her because she made herself to be an ideal – the unattainable lesbian, instead of the painfully ordinary girl-next-door that she was. He wanted what he couldn't have. And so did she.

And she had accomplished that. She took him back and actually attempted to be in a relationship with him.

She could force herself to pretend she cared about his art exhibition, despite the fact that a part of her expected him to ask her where she wanted to go too, on their first date, she could force herself to appear happy for longer than five minutes – which is pretty much how long her euphoria of sorts lasted - when Amy finally let go and set her free, despite her nagging disappointment that her perfect prince charming only bothered to write "Happy Birthday" on that stupid note she spent all day trying to read.

Part of her knew she had been romanticizing Liam all along and putting him on a pedestal where he never once belonged.

But she could lie. After all the denial, she could still find it within her to lie to herself. Once you do it long enough, you become surprisingly good at it, she realized. Amy was never a good liar but it turns out her backstabbing former best friend learned too, right?

_For crying out loud, fucking stop it, Karma._

She had just screwed Liam Booker and the only person on her mind was _her_.

She even haunted her dreams. That twisted dream she just had was one she wanted to forget more than anything. It made her feel even dirtier and more ashamed than sex with Liam Booker did.

 _I've been in love with you since the day we met._ – the words once again resonated in her mind at the worst possible time, regardless of her efforts not to think of that whole damn speech.

That's why I screwed your ex-boyfriend, Karma. Because I loved you _that_ much.

 _Amy can go to hell. –_ Karma cursed under her breath for the millionth time, her limbs trembling and hot tears stinging her eyes. She looked at Liam Booker's peaceful, sleeping face and she wanted to punch him hard until his nose bled. She should've done that the moment he looked at her with that innocent expression, confirming her worst case scenario. He didn't even have the balls to utter the words. She did the figuring out part.

She didn't want to ask herself why her first impulse after she exited that jail cell was to sleep with him. Was it her way of regaining control? Was it some sort of thank you for getting her folks out? Was it some sort of effort to erase the horrendous image of his filthy hands on Amy and hers on him by turning back to being his perfect girlfriend, the one who lacked enough in the self-respect department to perform such a twisted act?

_If Amy wasn't with Reagan, would I have gone to her instead?_

The fact that she had that thought was proof enough that she had gone overboard. She was a train wreck. A heart broken mess. And more than ever, she was conflicted. She had strayed so much from her real self that when bits and pieces of the truth underneath emerge, she acts as if she isn't aware of the existence of that truth.

But she is. She's always been.

She just wished she never allowed that self-awareness to only manifest in the deepest corners of her mind, she wished she could have listened to that voice loudly screaming in her head. Instead, she muffled the echoes. And for what? For the chance to delude herself repeatedly that the _idea of being in love_ was actually more valuable than _loving and being loved back_ in the most blissfully imperfect, painfully real and mutually supportive way?

She didn't want to allow that truth to affect her consciously. The moment her lips left Amy's and she realized the blonde's spellbound gaze was probably mirroring hers, she knew she couldn't do it - she had to put on a mask.

She shut it down the moment she told Amy _"Way to sell it_ ", even though she knew she shouldn't have.

From that point on, she was fully committed to maintaining, preserving and perfecting her "Faking It" mode. There was no going back.

 _I_ _was performing and got caught up in the act. That was all there was to it._ \- she'd remind herself, obsessively each time she could feel the cracks threatening to break her façade.

She couldn't have risked losing everything, so she repressed whatever realization she had during that same fateful homecoming assembly and let it burn to ashes right there. Ironically - now she felt like she had lost everything _because_ she didn't face it.

Out of everything that's happened, the top issue on the list of things she still stubbornly didn't want to address was the reason why she was willing to forgive Liam so readily if it was anyone else, but couldn't find the strength to do so _because_ it was Amy.

What was it about the thought of anyone else sleeping with her best friend that enraged her so much? It wasn't about Liam alone, she could admit that much. The betrayal equally hurt because _he_ dared to touch her best friend too.

Part of her knew it was more about Amy than it was about Liam at this point. On the list of things that put her off badly, that image clearly was the cherry on top. Amy and her fucking perfect DJ girlfriend getting it on miles away from civilization was probably a close second.

The dream sequence only increased the hurt and the anguish because, despite how twisted it was, it all centered around Amy, in a different light.

Amy as someone else's girlfriend. Amy as her backstabbing former best friend, Amy as.. _her_ lover. _Fucking_ Amy. With her stupid blonde locks and her stupid speeches.

 _Why the hell did she say all those things to me?_ The blonde's despicably honest and raw speech was the only clear echo emerging from underneath the ashes and she couldn't turn it off.

She must've been screwing with her head once again. There was no way she meant it. She can't have been truthful. She can't have actually felt that way about her all along. For ten years. Ten whole years. Their entire friendship. Since they were in kindergarten. Since they first laid eyes on each other.

There was no way a part of her, however remote, guarded and carefully locked away felt the same way all along too.

There was no possible way of fixing any of this. It was done. And she was the one left behind to drown amidst the wreckage.


	2. Keeping Up The Act

A couple of weeks have passed since the ordeal, but it didn't feel like time was beginning to heal Karma's wounds, it only seemed to be amplifying the hurt, the anguish, the hate and the sick need for revenge, or as she liked to call it -evening the score. In her emotionally unstable state, the most vocal impulse manifesting itself in her mind was the thirst for feeding her sheer anger and resentment – the darkest side of her repeatedly rationalized that she had all the reasons in the world to plot revenge – normally, when she'd go too far, her friend would rein her in but now there was no one to stop her from crossing over to the dark side.

 _She fucking deserves it._ – the words came and she tried to ignore the nagging regret in the pit of her stomach for still thinking this way and holding a grudge after weeks. Her anger was still going strong, pulsating in her veins, along with her endless denial.

She could fool Amy, she could dissimulate so convincingly, she could even start wearing that friendship necklace again, like it didn't physically burn her skin when she felt its cold touch on her neck.

She had gotten so used to being somebody else that she began to wonder, briefly, if she even knew how to find her core persona once again, the one she was before other people came along, the one who settled for watching stupid movies on Amy's bed and laughing as if she had no care in the world.

Along the way, she became the one who was dependent on people's approval, the one who relied solely on her protective fantasy world as a hollow substitute of reality, the one who didn't stop to see anyone but herself, while her best friend struggled next to her, the one who only paid attention when said best friend reached her limit and did the unthinkable.

It was inevitable that Amy would snap at some point. She could blame her all she wanted, but the last shred of reason within her not clouded up by judgment and resentment partly understood why she did what she did. Amy never liked to drink alcohol. Out of the two of them, she was the rational, calculated one, she was the one bringing her down to earth when her head was in the clouds, she was the one warning her about the consequences of her scheming.

But on that night, she had pushed Amy over the edge. She must've been severely intoxicated, furious and heartbroken to do such an act. She had a history of lashing out when she was emotionally unstable – hence the bridal shower incident. Amy never lashed out unless there was either a dangerous amount of pent up frustration and accumulated tension, or a whirlwind of emotion that she's kept bottled up and allowed to grow and manifest itself in a devastating mix.

Karma's obliviousness to her feelings, her repeatedly using her best friend to boost her social status and get the dreamy guy, coupled with her heart-wrenching " _Not like that"_ turned Amy into someone she wasn't that night, someone neither of them thought she was ever capable of being. That's why she wanted to hurt her so badly. Because she had done it too, so many times before.

 _And I never once apologized for any of it._ Coming to terms with that regret was hard, but Karma knew anger was the first barrier and her escape. Getting past it was not going to be easy.

But she couldn't have possibly known at that time that it wasn't just the rejection in itself which devastated Amy and prompted her to do the inevitable. It shattered her but it wasn't what hurt the most – it was the fact that Karma didn't seem to believe her or fully grasp the weight of her words, it was the admission that she chose to sleep with Liam the moment she realized she managed to accomplish her plan, and not see fit to tell her first.

If she had received that warning sign, maybe Amy wouldn't have confessed in the first place, but would have gladly chosen to bury her secret deep for her sake, all the while staying miserable on the inside.

Karma hated her for it, but she was _that_ kind of person.

She would've done it without batting an eye, just to keep her happy. It wasn't as if she planned to pour her heart out that night. It just happened. Her heart said something really stupid it could never take back, like she feared it would.

Karma never realized how wrong she was that night. But how could she have grasped the magnitude of her best friend's feelings? She had instead treated them like a phase, telling her that she was confused and didn't know how she felt, then proceeded to tell her she's done the deed with Liam seconds after she barely managed to muster the courage to get the words out, knowing she'd risk everything if she did – she'd risk losing a ten-year-old friendship, she'd risk getting her heart broken. Which was exactly what happened.

Thinking back on it, Karma wondered why she was so quick to shut her down, why she was insensitive in her approach when Amy was at her most vulnerable. She knows the answer to that question only adds up to the pile of issues she never addresses because she's too scared. Her odd response was a defense mechanism, she could figure that much. The rest, however, frightened her to bits.

She didn't want to potentially consider the idea that she only wanted to reinforce her heterosexuality after Amy completely shook her world during that failed threesome and called off the whole faking it charade and slept with Liam just to get over whatever confusion she felt.

She figured Amy felt that same confusion when she said she loved her _like that_ and turned her down to invalidate her feelings and consequently protect herself. She couldn't have possibly comprehended at that time that Amy's broken confession wasn't in the least an expression of confusion – it was the end of her constant questioning and the beginning of her moment of truth.

She didn't want to admit to bearing some of the responsibility also, to acknowledge the way her scheming affected everyone around her. Because she was still mad and broken over the two people closest to her. She didn't want to face the fact that maybe she betrayed them too, by lying and constantly hiding who she was.

But she could only act like herself for so long. Amy always accepted her but she never grasped the gravity of her destructive self-image – of course she'd want to prove herself and detach herself from her only friend to make the rest of the world see her too.

It wasn't enough that Amy always saw her as anything but fucking ordinary if it was her reality, her truth piercing through each of her conscious thoughts. At one point, it was inevitable that her insecurities would catch up with her, once she realized just how fucking meaningless she was, how easy it was for people to pass her by like her existence meant nothing, like she was just another face in the crowd.

But now? Now she really made an impression. They would see her for the train wreck that she was. They would notice her for the broken, slutty and careless mess that she was because she had lost the power to search for the girl she was always meant to be, the one buried underneath carefully designed and strengthened walls meant to protect her from the world and hide how tragically human and insecure she was at heart.

But she could play the part a little longer – she could act as if she had forgiven both Amy and Liam and behave like she didn't have a violent need for revenge still bubbling in her stomach, she could fall into a deep hole of self-loathing and destructive self-discovery - partying and screwing around with all the boys she could get her hands on, including her former prince charming.

She could pretend she was jealous of Zita, the girl from Skwerkel competing with her for Liam's affections, when she only clung to that fairytale image, not the flawed, backstabbing Liam Booker, with an integrity beyond questionable. She could pretend she still felt something when she used him as a fuck buddy, just so she could get those twisted dreams out of her mind and release some of the tension building up within her, threatening to burst through and expose her for the fraud that she was.

She could pretend his sacrifice meant nothing to her, when it did. He was all kinds of messed up, but he did give up his art for her. She didn't know how she felt about that – mad or grateful.

She could even attempt to have a damn threesome with her gay friend, Shane, in some screwed up quest to define herself, though she chickened out halfway through.

She could momentarily contemplate having revenge sex with the second closest person to Amy, Reagan, as a sick form of twisted payback, but couldn't allow herself to go that far, despite her dark side urging her to do it.

She allowed that impulse to pass as quickly as it made its presence known. Even she was not that cruel, despite a part of her still being in a dark, gruesome place she desperately wanted to escape.

Besides, she couldn't do something like that even if she wanted to. She wasn't into girls. She never was. The closest girl she's gotten to, physically, was Amy. She didn't mind being close to her like that – holding her hand, kissing her. She even dared to say that she enjoyed it.

But, like all things concerning Amy, she didn't want to get into the specifics. Starting with why she had no issue with kissing her friend repeatedly, being that she was straight as an arrow and all – even the fact that Amy was her best friend and they've always been around each other wasn't a plausible enough excuse for her jealousy over Reagan at Communal and not-so-platonic dreams, as of late. But her denial was her defense and it turned out she was an incredibly good actress.

She could play the part. She could pretend she didn't enjoy faking it again for that PFLAG event, getting to hold Amy's hand and act like a couple in order to cover up for her mother, recently elected president of the group. She could pretend a remote part of her didn't want to go with Amy to prom instead of another guy she couldn't care less about. She could mask the fact that seeing her in that suit took her breath away for reasons she was not yet ready to face. Maybe she never will be ready.

She could pretend she was still in control of her life and her feelings despite being a train wreck, she could hide the fact that the person who walked out of that prison cell was not the same as the one who walked in, she could act as if the kiss she shared with Amy in that pool when she was shitface drunk meant nothing, like every other time their lips touched.

She could pretend she didn't appreciate Amy taking care of her through her drunken stupor and covering her up with her sweater when she danced on the table, made a fool out of herself and allowed everyone to check out her see-through shirt that left little to imagination.

She could dismiss the fact that waking up next to Amy again after so long felt natural and utterly blissful, that holding her waist and inhaling her scent after the first good night's sleep both of them had in weeks awoke a long-repressed desire to pull her closer and temporarily short circuited her numb heart in a way that she wasn't ready for – so powerful and overwhelming, and all at once, just like at the threesome.

She could deny the way said heart thumped loudly in her chest when she played her part as the shoulder to cry on and allowed Amy to hold her as she cried her eyes out after her break-up with Reagan, a half solemn, half self-satisfied and triumphant smirk plastered on her face, one she couldn't shake no matter how hard she tried to. She could dismiss the truth – that it actually felt like she had regained a part of herself she believed to be long gone that night.

But she couldn't pretend that all the times Amy poured her heart out to her were in vain and meant absolutely _nothing_ , that her words didn't amount to anything, because they did.

They shifted something within her every single time. But she wasn't good at being vulnerable, she was too much of a mess to love her the way she deserved to be loved all along.

She realized it the moment Reagan came into the picture – she could give her what she couldn't. But now Amy was alone again and she was still a confused, heartbroken, resentful mess who was too selfish to own up to her own mistakes, too proud to apologize and come clean.

However stubborn and bitter she still was, there was one undeniable truth she couldn't cover up any longer.

She couldn't pretend that there was _anyone_ else in this world but Amy who _still_ loved her the most, even in the darkest days when their friendship was on the brink of destruction.

And she fucking despised her for it.

She hated Amy for loving her so unbearably much, for loving her imperfections and insecurities in a way that she never could. It physically hurt her. It was too much for her fragile self to handle. It's always been.

She never could step off the edge, not with the fear of falling and ultimately getting hurt. She could take verbal and emotional punches from anyone. But when Amy did it, her heart shattered – a pain only she could cause and one only she could heal.

She wasn't worthy. And Amy deserved more, even after what she did. After everything they both did. She was not a saint either and she knew it - she deserved all the hurt coming her way too.

However conflicted she was, she still couldn't stop returning to that fateful moment she was forced to truly listen – the point of no return. She couldn't deny it - she understood now that the reason she knew she would never be the same again when she walked out of that prison cell was precisely that heartfelt admission.

She didn't know why she kept returning to those tragically perfect and heartbreakingly beautiful words over and over again, allowing them to ring in her head obsessively and bit by bit fill a void in her heart that she's had forever.

_I've been in love with you since the day we met._

Amy had the power to be the source of that wound and yet still be the only one who could heal it. And nothing scared her more than coming to terms with that truth – that only her best friend had the power to fix her, to put her back together. She didn't want to let her. She was too scared to allow her to. The why was the constant question she never could answer.

_Why am I so afraid of Amy?_

Besides, there was nothing to do now anyway. She had missed her chance. Amy openly handed her heart to her more times than she could count and each time she crushed it.

It was her turn to hurt. And it felt oddly liberating. At least now she had a good reason to do it – no more pining after a boy like any other who had no business coming between them and their 10-year-old-friendship. But she was the one who allowed him to. And now she was paying the price.

It was a bittersweet flavor – the taste of her own mistakes. But despite her heart-wrenching regret, at least now she understood.

She was worth it. She always will be.

When her phone lit up with a message from Amy, as if on cue, she tried to dismiss how her heart fluttered in her chest and ached in a way that she could no longer make up excuses for.

" _Can I come over? I really need to see you."_

She wanted to tell Amy to piss off. She wanted to give in to that residual anger she was holding onto as her defense. She wanted to push Amy away like the last time she threatened to expose her own vulnerability. She wanted to hide for the hundredth time. But she was tired. She was downright exhausted.

She couldn't control her own urges and impulses anymore – such as the one to give in and allow herself to be fixed. Amy was the only person who knew how to.

" _Okay."_


	3. A Moment Of Truth

When she heard the sound of the blonde's footsteps steadily approaching her room, Karma felt her heart a lot lighter for a reason she had spent months, maybe years denying, in a futile attempt to hide from herself. It was ridiculous that, after all this time, she still had Amy's movements memorized like the lullaby her mother used to sing to her to get her to sleep when she was restless or anxious. She just knew it was her. She would've known even without receiving a text beforehand.

She opened the door to her room and Karma nervously allowed her eyes to lock with hers, drowning in that sea of familiarity and, for once, letting her guard down completely. She allowed her anger to dissipate for a single moment, she allowed herself to drown that anguish and that confusion and silence their nagging echoes threatening to break her again. For once, she was listening to that other voice in her head she never should've silenced out of fear.

"Hey, Karma." – Amy walked in, her feet shuffling nervously against the floor of her room. She was hesitant and distracted and her eyes were glistening in an ethereal way with what appeared to be unshed tears.

She was beautiful.

"I was hoping we could talk."

Karma's eyes fell upon her shaken figure – she was dejected and tried her best to put on a convincing smile but Karma saw right through it. After all this time, she still couldn't fool her. Amy was painfully transparent. She's always been easy to read, if you take the time to look at her, observe her, if you're not too self-centered and obsessed with a meaningless boy to see the unspoken words, the constant questioning and hesitation, the fear of messing up or saying something wrong.

 _This_ is who they are now. _This_ is what they've become.

"Amy, what's going on?" – the words flew out of her mouth before she could process them. She wanted to hold on to her grudge and her anger, but seeing Amy completely defeated, she couldn't do it. There weren't many times when Amy looked like that. She was the rock, the shoulder to cry on, the brave one. And when she wasn't, Karma knew something was seriously wrong. Not many things had the power to completely devastate Amy Raudenfeld.

And she hated herself for being number one on that list. She never wanted to occupy that place. It wasn't _right._ It wasn't _them_. But lately, all they've done is hurt each other repeatedly, without meaning to, at least not to that extent, even when pushed over the edge. They had both crossed the line and became the opposite of who they were meant to be all along.

"This.." – she took a deep breath, and her voice trembled with each word she spoke. Unbeknownst to her, she was voicing the exact thoughts running through Karma's head just a moment before, her biggest fear come to life - them drifting apart. "This isn't right, Karma. This isn't us." – sobs wracked her body and Amy instinctively wrapped her arms around herself, her gaze shifting away in a pitiful attempt to protect herself from the all-knowing emerald gaze searching hers.

"What are you talking about?" – Karma asked, feigning ignorance. She knew. She felt it too. They haven't been Karma and Amy in ages. They were just a hollow reminder of before. The memories hurt to have, to be relived and recalled like a pleasant movie, a hollow fairytale, even more so when they both held onto them for dear life, knowing that they couldn't have it anymore. They couldn't have any of it. They couldn't have honest conversations, movie marathons, playful bickering without feeling that something giant was missing, that something was terribly wrong.

They could pretend that nothing had changed, like they've done last week when they watched Twilight, but they couldn't pretend that all the unspoken words between them weren't still resonating so strong and that the silence wasn't vast and deafening, increasing a distance between them that never should've been there in the first place. They still acted like best friends, but inside they felt like strangers – like they didn't even have the right to pat each other on the back playfully during conversation or reach out for the other's hand to instill encouragement anymore without being remembered of the gruesome mistakes they both committed.

"This isn't _you._ You've changed, Karma." – as soon as the words left Amy's mouth, Karma felt all the air leave her lungs and anger bursting through. Like the lid she's kept on her true feelings for so long, the hold she still had on her rage broke right then and there.

"How _dare_ you?" – she hissed under her breath and jumped off the bed in a flash, her menacing gaze staring Amy down. The blonde was taken aback by the sudden proximity and the sheer anger of her former best friend and painfully swallowed the knot in her throat, her heart filled with regret but her blue eyes still holding compassion and affection, despite the circumstances.

She was trying to stand her ground, but felt her strength waver with each word Karma spoke next.

" _You_ don't get to patronize me and tell me how to live my life. _You_ don't get to have a say in what I do anymore, Amy." – she spat angrily, shooting Amy a disgusted look. Being defensive was her cover. So much for listening to the right voice ringing inside her head.

"I know." – Amy said, her voice so small, fragile and utterly broken. "And it kills me that I don't. It kills me that I'll never be that person in your life again. You can pretend all you want that this is okay but it's not. We're not friends anymore. I don't even know what we are."

"We are what you've made us be." – Karma said, her stone cold gaze locking with Amy's open, soulful blue eyes, but only briefly. Karma looked away, not bearing the weight of that gaze, not bearing her own pain, her own lies. Amy wasn't the only one responsible. She allowed it to come this far. She was at fault too. But she was too much of a coward to take any of the blame for their fall-out.

"I _broke_ you." – Amy whispered, and the last shred of hope she still held vanished. Her composed, self-assured mask broke right then and there and she started crying uncontrollably. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to say it."

It took every ounce of power Karma possessed not to throw away everything and just comfort her former best friend like she had done a thousand times before when they were little, like Amy had done every single time she hurt, like she did when her grandma died. She was the only person she could let in, the only one who could make her laugh when her entire world had crumbled.

It took every ounce of power Karma possessed to maintain her mask, to not show the slightest change in behavior or expression, to hide the way her body shook and her eyes watered and pretend that she didn't care at all, that they've passed the point of no return and she couldn't look back. She didn't want to look back. It was too painful.

"I love you, Karma." – Amy said, and the strained, tortured sound of her voice momentarily snapped Karma out of her self-imposed state of denial and resentment. The words made her heart ache so unbearably much, she had to lie down and look away from those familiar, pleading blue eyes. She couldn't allow herself to drown in them, to bask in that feeling. She never could. Especially now, when it felt so wrong. It could've been right. All along, things could've gone so differently for both of them, had she stopped the wreckage.

"I know I shouldn't say it but I wanted you to know. You're not alone, okay? You don't have to be that person. It's not like you, Karma. Getting drunk, letting random guys feel you up-"

"Like you know anything about who I am anymore." – Karma uttered in a low, menacing voice.

"No." – Amy suddenly cut in, shaking her head dismissively, as a newfound courage and maybe temporary insanity took over her. "No." – she repeated, stronger and louder this time, closing the distance separating them. She grabbed the redhead's wrists to keep her from running away, forcing her to listen, silently pleading with her to look into her eyes and _see_ it, but she was still putting up a fight, still resisting her, still looking away and hissing in disdain, asking her to let go. Amy had tried that before – didn't work too well. She couldn't let go, not now, not ever. And maybe she just didn't want to.

"I know you, Karma. I know you better than anyone, better than you know yourself." – Amy said, the certainty in her voice cutting deep wounds in Karma's heart, causing every inch of it to bleed. Her words took her back to the night of the wedding, the moment it all went downhill and burned to ashes before her eyes.

_How do you do that? Know me better than I know myself._

_Years of practice._

"Which is why I can't stand back and watch you do this to yourself. I had made the biggest mistake of my life and it's on me, okay? Don't take this out on you. You should hate me instead, Karma. I'll take it." – Amy's speech turned into a desperate plea. "Please just..no more. I deserve to be hated."

"You're damn right you do. " – Karma said, after a long, monumental silence set in the room. She bit her lip until it bled, and, out of nowhere, no warning, no explanation, no planning beforehand - she broke down. She finally allowed her walls to crumble before the only person who even knew of their existence, and broke down right there.

She pushed her fists hard against Amy's frame repeatedly, all the while sobbing and whimpering and cursing her in a thunderous rage, allowing weeks of pent up anger to finally be released, anger that she's kept bottled up and covered with lies once they exited that jail cell. She lied about being over it. She wasn't. But despite her attacks and her sheer anger, Amy wouldn't move an inch. She stood there and took it all in.

Exhausted, powerless and completely drained, Karma eventually gave up, as her body collapsed. But it didn't collide with her soft mattress. Instead, a pair of loving arms caught her but she was too tired to oppose that action, too tired to put up a fight anymore. They held her so gently and cautiously and if she wasn't so exhausted, she would've pushed her away again, like she always did. But she had no energy to do so. Maybe for once she didn't have it in her to run away. She allowed herself to be fixed. She could only be fixed by what's broken her.

"I don't hate you." – Karma muttered under her breath, her tone still defensive and angry. She wanted to. She fucking wanted to. "I tried to and I couldn't. I can't." – she continued, her words reigniting that spark of hope for reconciliation in Amy's heart. Her head was still resting against the blonde's shoulder and her words were partly muffled by Amy's damp jacket, the redhead's tears soaking it up. Karma despised herself for drowning in that familiar scent and craving that closeness. She didn't realize how much she missed it until then, until those familiar arms held her again. After all this time, she still felt like home. She wanted to move, she did, she tried, but her numb muscles wouldn't react. At all.

"You should." – Amy said, completely defeated. It was then that Karma broke the hug and looked her straight in the eye, gathering up all her courage not to look away. She didn't want to admit how nervous she felt, how Amy's gaze was the only one that made her feel exposed and vulnerable, like she was being unraveled inside, like she had no place to hide anymore. That was part of the reason why she was scared to death of her and the way she was capable of making her feel. Only she could do it. And it was too unbearably much.

"You should too." – Karma confessed. It was high time she owned up to her mistakes too. She couldn't let Amy take the fall for everything, not with the nagging feeling of guilt towards herself that she held as well. "I..I took you for granted."

"No, you didn't—"

"Yes, I did. I hurt you too, Amy. I should've listened..at your mom's wedding. I didn't." – Karma whispered, lifting herself up from the bed and turning around, her back facing Amy. She started pacing back and forth in the room, attempting to find her words, but whatever she came up with sounded wrong and hollow.

"It doesn't excuse what I did, Karma. And you did listen, you just didn't feel that way." –Amy interrupted her train of thought, and something about the way she said it made Karma's heart clench painfully. “And that’s fine, really, it’s fine--”

"That's the thing, Amy. I _didn't_ listen. I didn't want to. I was scared and I pushed you away because it was easier." – Karma said, regretfully.

"Easier than what?" – Amy asked, visibly confused.

"Letting you love me. Letting myself love you." – she confessed, eventually. The words just poured out of her with an unexpected ease. The realization greatly surprised her, but her words completely shook Amy's world. Her mouth opened and closed several times, her mind going into overdrive, barely processing the weight of that admission, when the redhead spoke again.

"Yet.." – she continued, letting out a forced, nervous laugh, her voice low and quiet. "You're still here. Why are you still here? After everything I've done to you, after everything we've done to each other. I nearly walked away from us in that jail cell. I told you I wanted you gone, Amy. And yet you keep coming back to me, why?"

Amy took a deep breath to compose herself, her hands still shaking and her throat dry and constricted. The answer to that question was clear as day. It always has been. It was her only truth in the sea of lies she's been forced to live in for so long. It was that truth that nearly broke them apart. She couldn't do it, not again.

"Because I can't imagine a world without you in it. I know, I have no right to say it, but that's how I feel." – she looked away, guilt and heartache written in her transparent ocean blues.

It wasn't the right place or the right moment, but Karma felt it – her heart soaring and her eyes filling with tears of relief, maybe joy and happiness. No one's ever told her things like that before. No one ever made her feel like this - wanted, needed, accepted, cherished, all at once.

Time and time again, with each of her touching speeches, Amy tears her mask off, bit by bit. She's terrified of the time it will fall off completely. Because if she allows herself to be completely exposed, she allows herself to be hurt, she runs the risk of losing the only person who ever mattered, even in the darkest days.

"We'll never be Karma and Amy from before." – Karma said, and Amy's heart dropped right then, fear and apprehension overcoming her.

She was too late.

"But maybe we can be better." - the redhead offered, causing the blonde to sigh in relief as the curves of her lips turned upwards, a soft, strained, but sincere smile spreading across her tear-stricken face and Karma weakly reciprocated. She had never looked more breathtakingly beautiful to Amy than in that moment.

"How about a movie?" – Karma suggested, and Amy never thought four words could ever sound so perfect together. She missed _her_. She missed _them._ She missed _everything_ from before this whole mess.

It wasn't lost on Amy that Karma moved closer to her halfway through the movie, her head resting on her shoulder and her hand holding her waist protectively. She didn't miss the redhead's genuine smile and her stealing fugitive glances of her face every now and then.

But she didn't say anything. For the time being, she was grateful to have her friend back. A sudden rush of courage overcame the blonde as she gently rubbed Karma's back and, before she could stop herself or attempt to process the action consciously, she placed a chaste kiss on her forehead, pulling her closer and sighing in contentment, before drifting off to sleep.

What she didn't know was that Karma hadn't fallen asleep and, moments after, she was still lying awake in silence, listening to the soothing sound of her breathing and attempting to calm down the rhythm of her own heartbeats pulsating against Amy's frame.

She tried not to replay the kiss in her mind a dozen times, tried not to think of how much she's missed that feather-light  sensation of her soft lips, how much she missed Amy and being close to her like this, like the whole world stopped existing for a moment, like they were before everything got _complicated._ She hated that word. It never belonged to them. It never should've.

Once she was positive the blonde was sound asleep, she allowed herself to be brave too. She lovingly removed a strand of hair from her face and snuggled closer to her. For the first time in too long, she felt peaceful and at ease and she wouldn't trade that feeling for anything. She wouldn't trade Amy for anything in the world. She understood what the blonde meant because she felt it too, all along, stronger and stronger each day. She couldn't imagine a world without her in it either.


	4. We Left It Unspoken, Now It's Screaming In My Head

They're used to dancing around each other now - stealing fugitive glances while talking about everything yet somehow nothing of substance or great importance, spending time together doing trashy magazine quizzes or having crappy movie marathons like the good old days before Shane's party, before everything changed, before the pretending, before Amy's confession, denying the energy in the room and the heavy weight of everything they're not saying looming above them. They keep trying to act as if nothing had changed between them since the beginning of the school year, when they both know it's a lie. But neither wants to think of exactly what it is that changed. Somehow, in the quest of restoring their precious, nearly destroyed friendship, they had gotten a clean slate but it didn't prove to be enough. It was what they needed, yet something was still missing.

A clean slate was supposed to bring comfort and closure, but they were now left with even more unspoken truths between them, truths that neither was brave enough to acknowledge or verbalize. If Karma hadn't said anything so far, she probably didn't think there was anything else in need of addressing. And Amy sure as hell wasn't going to push it. She had enough wishful thinking for a lifetime. She wasn't going down that road again. She was content with what she had, not blissfully happy but at least satisfied. And she wasn't going to let go of that.

On some level, Amy had always known that she was in love with Karma and always will be, regardless of her wishes or efforts not to be. It was a fact, a certainty – like summer following spring, like the sun coming up in the morning. She was forever a part of her, ingrained.

She knew that no matter how hard she tried to give her heart out to Reagan, she couldn't. Karma had already filled every space of it since the day they met – she held a place in her heart that no one else could reach, that no one else even knew. She couldn't change that. And no matter how painful it was, she didn't want to. She was lucky to love her. She was lucky to have her in her life, even if in a slightly different way than what she's always envisioned or desired.

They don't talk about the kiss. They don't talk about Karma's spellbound gaze after that reckless gesture, partly driven by alcohol and temporary madness, or just a touch of clarity. They don't talk about what it meant. They don't talk about Karma's admission that she actually could've loved her back that night of the wedding, but she was too scared to go there.

They don't talk about the gazes they share, filled with nothing but meaning. They don't talk about Karma's reckless behavior, her drunken hook-ups and the way her eyes sometimes glisten with sadness and something else Amy can't quite decipher. They don't talk about the way that hollow gaze changes every time there's only the two of them, they don't talk about the little moments they share that shouldn't mean the world to either of them but they do.

They don't talk about any of it. And the silence is deafening.

Amy's always had a fear of being buried alive, and somehow that fear translates into being afraid of her own feelings consuming her, suffocating her. She was never good at holding it in for too long – especially so after admitting to herself after prom that her old feelings for Karma came back. Who was she lying to? She's pretty sure they never went away. She needed an outlet and confided in Reagan, surprisingly, of all people – they were good friends now.

The brunette gave her a sympathetic gaze and a cryptic speech about confusion, repression and denial. Amy didn't want to listen to any of it – especially Reagan telling her that straight girls don't act like that around their best friends or that she seemed rather jealous than simply territorial at Communal. Shane had given her false hope once, she couldn't let someone else do it for her again, not even Reagan. She meant well, Amy knew her. But she was wrong.

Karma rejected her once. She said no, so she had obviously meant no. And whatever she said to her about maybe being able to love her that way if she let herself go there – Amy was pretty sure that was just her trying to spare her the heartache and be a good friend.

_I wish that I felt the same way. I know how painful it must be and I don't want to make it worse._

Amy couldn't allow herself to dwell too much on the past again, on that stupid image her brain kept projecting of two houses next door to each other. She was tired of being a pushover, a lovesick puppy drawn to her like a moth to a flame, she was tired of being so weak, which was why she tried her best not to let it show. If Karma could let go of prince charming, maybe it was time for her to let go of her own fantasy image too, and actually live in the present.

She didn't allow her gaze to linger too much on her best friend during casual encounters and she kept the platonic touching at a minimum. She was still affectionate with Karma, but kept her distance to protect her heart. Karma didn't comment on any of it. She's pretty sure she doesn't even notice her struggle, or hopes so, since she failed to pick up on it the first time it happened.

She doesn't want to think of the fact that she was too wrapped up in Liam at the time but now she could read her like an open book. She can't put Karma through this again, or herself for that matter. It's the one secret she's entitled to keep to spare everyone the pain. Everyone but herself.

Amy Raudenfeld will always love Karma Ashcroft. She came to terms with that a long time ago. It's her truth.

What she doesn't know is that she's not the only one who's harboring a secret, or the only one who's afraid.

Karma has a fear too - of heights, of being swallowed by the immensity below, of drowning in the unknown, of falling and crashing without anyone catching her. What she doesn't know is that she's not the only one confiding in someone – for the first time in a long time, Karma opened herself up to someone other than Amy - Felix. He held her and allowed her to cry on his shoulder not too long ago. He listened and he was one of the few people who didn't judge her. She really needed that.

But maybe the two of them would always end up chasing someone else and run from each other, instead of stepping off the edge and taking that leap of faith. Maybe their timing was wrong and they were simply too tired of trying.

If Amy could have Karma as a friend back, she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Which was why she was standing outside her house, cake frosting in hand and a pained smile on her face. She could do it.

With the front door open and, apparently, the Ashcrofts gone, Amy started climbing the stairs to her room. She raised her hand to open the door but stopped mid-air, hearing a familiar male voice ringing from inside, along with the heart-wrenching, raw and strained tones of her best friend's voice. Amy knew Karma for ten years and she never heard her sound like that. She was unable to contain her curiosity despite knowing she shouldn't eavesdrop. She moved closer to the door, listening intently to the conversation on the other side.

"Karma, I thought we had something special.." – Liam said, his pleading eyes locking with Karma's. The brunette shifted uncomfortably in her seat, pulling her hands away from his grasp, not daring to face him. "Look, I know what I did was screwed up but I've apologized a thousand times already. I can't take it back. If I could, you know that I would."

Karma didn't say anything to that, she couldn't. There was nothing he could say that would fill the void in her heart, nothing that could make up for the betrayal he committed. On Amy's end, she finally understood. But he had no excuse. She lied to him but he went on and slept with the next girl he saw moments after he realized she wasn't a lesbian and all the excitement about her wasn't real.

"When did I become your secret? We hook up in secret and then you don't talk to me for days and flirt with Wade and all of these other guys. Is this all I am to you now?" – he asked, his voice low and accusatory. Karma could tell he was being sincere but, at this point, she was too mad to care.

 _We're good buddies who occasionally have sex._ Karma wondered briefly when she allowed herself to become _that_ girl.

"You're not my secret, Liam. You've never been. Amy was." – Karma whispered, the weight of her admission impacting her even more than Liam. Her voice sounded so weak and almost tortured that Amy barely caught the soft, barely audible tones from the other side of the door. The brunette couldn't stop her tears from spilling, as a perplexed and confused Liam watched on, helplessly. His gaze was astounded before a look of quiet understanding flashed across his eyes.

"I wanted you to love me so much, Liam." – the brunette's sobs kept coming, wracking her body. "I thought that if you did, I could learn to love myself. But it didn't work."

"Karma, I do love you, you have to know that—"

"But I don't." – Karma's voice came, her own admission scaring her. With those words, her cover was gone. Liam's heartbroken look only increased the ache and the regret piercing through. "Not the way you want me to. I'm sorry. I wanted to, I tried to but I—"

A flashback of another time she told someone she didn't love them like that involuntarily came through. It wasn't easy to do it again. It wasn't easy to ask herself which time she meant it and which time she didn't. There were no easy answers. Nothing was cut-and-dry anymore.

"How could you not tell me?" – Liam snapped in disbelief, running a hand through his hair.

"How could you sleep with my best friend?" – Karma countered, just as fiercely, as a monumental silence set in the room.

Liam eventually dropped his pride, seeing Karma curled up in a ball on the bed, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. He took a seat next to her, his voice softening.

"Karma..what is this really about? Talk to me." – he said, cautiously rubbing her back, but the conflicted girl only moved farther, denying his touch.

"You're the last person I should be talking to right now." – she muttered angrily under her breath. "Don't you have someone waiting on you?"

"I told Zita I couldn't be with her because of you.." – his voice trailed off. "But it turns out I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things."

Karma merely shook her shoulders, not in the mood to be sympathetic to Liam's pain when she had so much more going on.

He got up to leave and Karma's eyes didn't even fall upon his figure, they were still fixated on the floor. She thought he'd leave and not bother her anymore, but he couldn't, not without knowing something first.

"At that group hang..you weren't just scared that Amy might love somebody else as much as she loves you, were you?" – he asked, and Karma's gaze shifted to the guitar lying in the corner of her room.

From the other side of the door Amy gasped quietly, covering her mouth to not make noise and alert them of her presence.

"You were scared that she would fall in love with someone who wasn't you." – he scoffed, as realization finally hit him. Karma looked like a deer caught in the headlights and bit her lip unconsciously. His words rang so true, they exposed the truth she always denied.

But she couldn't let him win, see her crumble or unravel before him. "How can you be so selfish, Karma? You want to have control over everybody and you don't even care who gets hurt." – he uttered in a low, almost disgusted tone, propelling her to snap instantly, no longer controlling her pent-up rage.

"Don't you _dare_ lecture me about being selfish and hurting people. _You_ wanted what you couldn't have. _You_ wanted to screw a lesbian and _I_ wanted the hottest guy in school. We _both_ got what we deserved, are you happy now?" – she yelled, the raw pain and force of her words causing Liam to backpedal and look away in shame.

"I told you that changed, okay? I saw so much more. I fell for you!" – Liam cut in almost desperately, displaying genuine vulnerability rarely seen by anyone else. Any other girl would've swooned on the spot, past Karma would've too, but not anymore. The last time he said that she slept with him because she felt desirable enough, she felt like she mattered enough to make the hottest guy in school fall for her. This time she couldn't hear it.

"I can't hear this right now, Liam..I'm sorry." – she said, her limbs trembling slightly. "Please just go."

Liam's eyes were watering, hands balling into fists by his sides.

"It's Amy, isn't it?" – he asked, eventually, resignation showing on his face. The brunette's hesitation to answer or look him in the eye said it all.

He scoffed again, not quite believing the outcome, and stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. He descended the stairs angrily, not looking back once. Karma flinched at the loud sound piercing her ears and buried her head in the pillow, crying her eyes out.

What both of them failed to acknowledge was the sound of footsteps fading away in the distance, and Amy's shaken form taking off as soon as Liam uttered the words. The lack of reply on Karma's part shook her to her core. She had to get away. She was halfway back to her house, when her phone lit up with a message from none other than her best friend.

" _Hey, are you still coming over? Because I really need someone right now. Please."_


	5. Can't Spell It Out For You

Amy stopped dead in her tracks, maintaining an iron grip on her phone. She was so distracted by conflicting thoughts and emotions, she only noticed how strong her hold on the device was when her wrist started hurting. She paced back and forth for a couple of minutes on the sidewalk she found herself crossing when the fateful message came in, trying to figure out her next move.

She didn't know what to think, how to react, or even what to feel. She had no clue what to make of the conversation she just heard. The fact that her best friend confessed that she wasn't in love with Liam shocked her greatly, since Karma's been gushing on and on about the irresistible, rich amateur artist since the beginning of the school year.

However unpleasant and painful the thought was, deep inside Amy considered the possibility that Liam would be the one to make her best friend happy in the end. Amy was positive Karma's feelings for Liam were genuine, even when she only used him for sex as some sort of twisted payback. To find out they weren't as deep as she first anticipated was puzzling to say the least, because Amy simply couldn't understand why Karma didn't fall for Liam when she had stepped aside, set her free and gave them her blessing, despite her own heart breaking with each word she forced herself to speak.

She wanted Karma to have Liam, to be with him. It was the way it was supposed to be and it took every ounce of strength she possessed to come to terms with that understanding and to do the right thing on Karma's birthday - choosing not to be selfish but perform a selfless and mature act for the sake of someone else's happiness at the expense of her own instead.

He had made a terrible mistake. Just like her. But she was hoping Karma would forgive him and positive that they'd eventually run towards the sunset and build a life together and Karma would get the fairytale ending she's always dreamed of. She wanted nothing more than her best friend to find true happiness. When they were six, Amy dreamed of going to college and Karma dreamed of prince charming. She knew how much she's wanted to find her knight in shining armor and for how long. No matter what, she would never get in the way of that. At least one of them deserved to fulfill their fantasy.

Despite her own unanswered, pressing questions about the conflicted girl she felt fortunate to have in her life even as a platonic soul mate, Amy's priority would always be her happiness. And if there was anything Amy Raudenfeld was and would always be, it was a good friend.

_I'll be there in a few._

Amy couldn't allow herself to be reluctant or second guess her decision. She had to be the best possible friend she could. It was her job and it has been since the moment she locked eyes with the tiny, auburn-haired girl who wore her hair in ponytails and a beaming smile on her face when she first approached her at the ball pit in kindergarten.

As she took that familiar route towards the one place she always called home, her breathing became labored, her throat felt constricted and her chest grew heavy. It was the weight of everything she's been forced to carry around with her for this past year – regret, words unspoken, words that she would take back in a flash if the chance presented itself, actions she should've never committed, actions she had committed but couldn't bring herself to want to take back, despite all the hurt they brought. Unbeknownst to her, her eyes were glistening when she started recalling everything that had led to this point.

She didn't regret telling Karma how she felt. It was the one thing she should want to take back but she doesn't.

_Every time I look at her, my stomach gets these fluttery, I-think-I'm-gonna-barf feelings. And as much as I want them to go away, I kind of don't._

But if she had gotten her closure that night, why was there still a dull ache in her chest? Why were her eyes watering and her knuckles trembling as she knocked on Karma's door? Why did she even feel the need to knock? Why did she feel like an intruder in her house now, despite all the years they had spent together in that very room? Why did she still feel like she had no right to be the one who gets to comfort her after everything that's happened between them?

There were many things she couldn't explain. But in spite of that, she couldn't find the strength to look away when the door opened and she was struck by the only image she never could stand.

Karma plopped down on her bed, surrounded by a mass of tissues, her make-up running, her eyes bloodshot and her hair a tousled mess was a sight that was almost impossible to bear for the blonde. Her hand involuntarily reached for her chest, as her heart sunk and any coherent words she attempted to verbalize died in her throat.

Thankfully, the shaken girl before her broke the silence.

"How'd you know I'd need sugar?"

The redhead's choice of words was bizarre to say the least, but it did the trick. Amy couldn't contain the small laughter and allowed it to pass her lips, and Karma smiled back, letting out a hollow, strained noise that almost resembled laughter too.

"Just a hunch." – the blonde replied, shrugging her shoulders while attempting to deny her own pain and stay strong, despite the brunette's painfully fragile visage threatening to expose her own vulnerability.

With the hesitant, cautious stance of someone approaching a wounded animal, Amy slowly made her way to her wounded best friend, taking a seat on the edge of her bed, maintaining a distance that appeared and felt unnatural.

"What's going on, Karma?" – she asked, weakly. Her voice sounded and felt alien to her ears, its tone unrecognizable, not nearly as strong or sarcastic as the real Amy Raudenfeld would normally use.

She absentmindedly placed the cake frosting on her bed as her eyes briefly locked with Karma's tear-stricken ones, before she looked away, not bearing the sight. The auburn-haired girl was still curled in a fetal position. Her mouth opened several times, attempting to say something, anything, but somehow it felt like no right words were invented for that moment.

Instead, she decided to let actions speak. Words always failed Karma or ended up doing more damage instead of fixing it. She leaned forward and desperately grabbed the blonde's shoulders, burying her head in her chest, not saying anything for minutes on end, just sobbing and whimpering and shaking.

Taken aback by her unexpected gesture, Amy froze, as an audible gasp escaped her parted lips. As soon as she regained the knowledge of her surroundings and the moment she was caught up in, she did what she does best. She knew what Karma needed. She remembered another time she cried like that when they were little kids and she had received the unbearable news of her grandma dying – a weight too strong for a child to bear on her own.

Somehow, of all people, only Amy was able to get her to smile again. She wondered if she could be that person for her once more after all the pain she's endured these past few weeks because of her.

She gently stroked her hair and back, allowing her to let it all out, all the while whispering encouraging words in her ear. After a few moments, the brunette broke the hug and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She reached for the blonde's hand and, despite the less fortunate circumstances, Amy's heart still raced for reasons she was too tired to dismiss.

"Thank you." – Karma whispered, gently squeezing her hand. Amy made no move to oppose her action or encourage it, she just nodded softly, as a pained smile graced her features.

"Anytime." – she said, as her best friend reluctantly pulled her hand away. She appeared conflicted, as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. Sensing her struggle and hesitation, the blonde added a quiet, reassuring - "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

After a long pause, a thoughtful and torn Karma shook her head dismissively, attempting to cover up any clues of her internal struggle or the constant, all-too-familiar debate going on between her heart and her mind. Her questioning emerald orbs seemed to be searching for something. Her gaze traveled across the room from the trembling hands in her lap that she kept rubbing together nervously to her mirror, to the pictures of Amy that she had once taken down.

They were now back on, scattered all around. Maybe it wasn't as much about finding the answer as it was about figuring out what to do after.

"Maybe I shouldn't. I always end up ruining everything with words." – Karma uttered weakly, her voice barely audible, but the regret piercing through deafening and heart-wrenching to witness for the blonde.

"Words are overrated. Believe me." – Amy said, her lips curving upwards into a genuine, reassuring smile.

"Not with you, Amy." – Karma cut in before giving the rational, overly guarded side of her a chance to intervene and stop her. It was Karma's own way of indirectly letting her know that all the times she wore her heart on her sleeve, all the times she bore her soul before her weren't in vain, that her words meant something and always will.

The blonde lifted her head as her gaze shot up from the random place on the ground she kept staring at to meet hers, confusion and perplexity under swirling shades of blue and green. "You're good with words." - she added and lifted herself into a more comfortable position on her bed.

"I wouldn't say that. " – the blonde waved her hand dismissively. She didn't have a way with words. If anything, she was reckless and impulsive and sometimes didn't ponder much before saying them. That turned out to mess everything up on more than one occasion.

"No, you are." – Karma interrupted again, giving her a hard, focused look, leaving no doubt as to how much she meant it. Amy felt her resolve falter under that heavy gaze. She had to look away.

"Do you ever wonder if we fall in love with people or just the idea of love?" – the brunette went on to ask again, after a few moments of silence.

"You think you were in love with the idea of Liam?" – Amy asked, instantly reading between the lines.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore." – Karma said, momentarily stunned by Amy's ability to read her like an open book for the hundredth time. Her bottom lip started trembling and she bit down on it hard. She got up from the bed and began to pace back and forth in the room, running a hand through her hair frustratingly, as she let out a heavy sigh. The gesture didn't seem to calm her down in the slightest.

"I think we just want to be loved, you know?" – Amy blurted out, her own words surprising her. The blonde's expression was solemn and almost serene. She seemed at peace with herself and her feelings for the first time. She was facing them head on, along with the reality of what they entailed. For the first time, she felt like she was ready to accept them for what they were without feeling burdened or ashamed. Even if it was never meant to be, it was okay. She'd be okay.

"Is that what you felt with Reagan?" – Karma asked, and Amy nodded weakly.

"Yeah..I felt wanted and just..loved." – Amy said, and Karma stopped her anxious pacing to look at her. This time, it was Karma who felt her heart sink.

 _She gave her what I couldn't. She made her feel loved the one way I couldn't bring myself to love her._ "But it's not always enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we just want to see the best version of someone, even if it might not be real."

Karma was absolutely stunned. She was in awe at the blonde's words and how much she related to what she said. Without intending to, her train of thought led to none other than her best friend, who was gazing at her in that all-too familiar way and being as compassionate and as insightful as always. She couldn't help but wonder if she had failed Amy too when she fell in love with her by not turning out to be this amazing person she always thought she was. Amy always saw so much more in her than she ever did.

"It's hard to let go of that but once you do, you get to see so much more and realize that love isn't perfect. And it shouldn't be." – Amy said, increasingly surprised by her sudden burst of courage. Karma's eyes widened in shock as soon as the words reached her ears. A whirlwind of emotion was displayed in those emerald orbs staring back at Amy like she was seeing her for the first time all over again. "Maybe you'll find that with Liam. But if not, you'll be okay, trust me."

_You'll find someone. Who wouldn't fall for you?_

"Thank you." – Karma said, her gaze filled with nothing but meaning. She sat down next to Amy and looked at her once more, before engulfing her in a warm hug yet again.

_I love you, Amy. I think I'm in love with you._

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but their gravity and implications frightened her again, rendering her speechless. She couldn't say it. The last time she uttered those words to Amy, she proceeded to ruin everything. Now she knew for sure that they wouldn't be followed by a _"Not like that"._ But that knowledge still didn't make it any easier – any of it. She couldn't hurt Amy again. They had both agreed not to do it again. And the blonde deserved better.

"You know what? You didn't come here for this version of me, so let's not waste this perfectly good cake frosting. I'm done moping around, I promise. " – Karma said, forcing a convincing smile.

"You know I'd be here for every version of you, right?" – Amy said, looking away as soon as she realized what she said. Her mouth had gone on autopilot again. But it was still the raw, naked truth, regardless of how cheesy it might sound to anyone but the two of them, anyone who didn't know just how strong their bond was, even after all the trials they had to face. It may have stretched thin, but it could never be broken.

"I know." – Karma whispered, scooting closer to the blonde. Without thinking, her fingers gently caressed her cheek, compelling her not to break eye contact again. She allowed herself to drown in the endless sea of blue and green before her, to sink in that familiarity and just forget, for a single moment, forget all the mistakes they've made, forget all the times they hurt each other and just be those two girls who met in that ball pit at kindergarten.

She felt Amy inhale sharply and shiver under her touch, but she couldn't bring herself to pull her hand away. She inched even closer to the blonde, closing her eyes and moving her hand to the side of her face and then her neck. Their foreheads touched and her breath lightly dusted the blonde's skin, before she retreated her hand, now hanging limp by her side. "It means a lot that you're here, Amy. I missed you." – the brunette whispered against Amy's collar bone, shifting her head to rest it on her shoulder for a fleeting moment. She felt Amy tense up - her body was stiff and she was not moving.

Karma knew it was selfish to expect her to pull her closer. She didn't blame Amy for keeping her distance and most likely assuming she hasn't forgiven her since she hasn't explicitly stated so. She had noticed her avoid being close like this since they finally talked about them and everything that's happened. She couldn't help but feel slightly hurt, but who could blame her? Part of her feared that maybe Amy just didn't want to be close anymore because she had moved on – for good, or because she was still hurting after she and Reagan broke up. Karma had taken it a step too far. But she only realized it after it happened.

_What the hell's gotten into me?_

With that realization, she abruptly pulled away. At least she chose the right words this time, even though they barely grazed the surface. There was so much more she didn't say, couldn't say.

"I missed you too. I just.." – Amy's voice trailed off. "I don't know how to act around you anymore." – she confessed, shakily.

"Just be yourself." – Karma said. If the circumstances were different, she might've laughed at Amy's mildly confused expression. Maybe they had both forgotten what being themselves actually meant. "We're okay. We'll be okay. I promise."

"Are you sure?" – the blonde questioned, stunned to oblivion by the words that came out of her best friend's mouth, not quite believing them.

"Yeah. Now let's watch something." – Karma said, the excitement returning to her voice and her mood seemingly improving. She felt her heart soar when Amy smiled back and looked at her like _that._

It was the same look she had after the threesome, on the quad, after the homecoming assembly. Maybe Karma never processed the change consciously, because Amy _always_ looked at her like that. The blonde's glazed eyes and genuine smile caused a strange sensation in the pit of her stomach.

But for the time being, she couldn't allow herself to read too much into it.

Amy had moved on - and because of her. She had no right to mess with her head again, even if this time she held a degree of certainty. But it still wasn't enough. She still wasn't entirely sure of what she wanted or what she needed – just the fact that it involved Amy somehow. For now, she'd take what she could get.

"I'm guessing no romantic comedies?" – Amy asked, and Karma instantly shook her head disapprovingly.

"Not this time." – she replied and Amy laughed wholeheartedly in response. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I just..never thought I'd see the day." – the blonde grinned, and Karma playfully nudged her side.

"Shut up."

Amy laid down on her bed and turned on her laptop, looking for a movie. Wordlessly, Karma placed her head on her shoulder. She didn't dare to hold her waist this time or snuggle any closer to her, fearing she'd freak her out.

Needless to say, she couldn't focus much on the movie, and fell asleep halfway through, neither of them knowing that she'd be the one holding onto Amy's side in her sleep as the night wore on and she dreamed, yet again.

Maybe that was the only time she could be brave – in her dreams.


	6. Will Our Timing Ever Be Right

From time to time, Amy stopped to wonder what being a true friend actually meant. It was quite often that she found herself questioning the decisions she's been making along the years for the sake of protecting her nearly sacred bond and friendship with Karma, the girl who's impacted her life like no other, the girl who effortlessly tore her walls down and sneakily crept into her heart little by little each day – without warning, without planning on it.

Most of what Amy did over the years was either _for_ Karma or _because_ of Karma. And aside from her drunken hook-up with Liam, a horrible act of betrayal she committed for the selfish, sole purpose of an irrational revenge - hurting her and making her feel as miserable as she was for weeks, pretty much every other course of action she followed was for her benefit, out of consideration for her well-being, hell, even out of love. She couldn't have known at the time just how much love she held in her heart for the auburn-haired girl. She sometimes wondered if she would've been better off not knowing, living in blissful oblivion, before that fateful kiss in the gym that changed everything for her.

It was Amy's job to protect her best friend. Which was why she did what she had to do, she took one for the team, and did the unexpected, her own courage and impulsiveness taking her aback in the heat of the moment. She didn't even stop to think, she simply acted.

She had no way of knowing that her entire world would turn around that day, that fateful moment her trembling lips touched her best friend's – that was equally the beauty and the tragedy of it all. But if given the chance to go back in time, she'd do it again a million times over at the expense of her own happiness. She'd do just about everything for Karma and sometimes that knowledge was hard to bear or live with.

There was never a point in time when Amy felt like she didn't have a choice in the matter, like her opinion was meaningless. She didn't let herself be dragged into Karma's schemes against her will, she made a conscious choice to support her out of loyalty for their friendship, maybe even hopeless, undiscovered, unrequited puppy love.

She could've stopped the whole faking it fiasco when Karma sought her out on that roof and confessed that she meant more to her than being popular or standing out, even more than Liam, the hottest guy in school she desperately wanted to be noticed by. But seeing her so torn and insecure, she simply couldn't back out.

She never understood why Karma needed approval so badly, why she felt like she was less than the people around her, when for Amy, she's always been enough and so much more. She never understood why Karma felt the need to make someone fall in love with her, as if no one could possibly see her for her beautiful, amazing, perfectly imperfect self without her putting up some sort of act or displaying the polar opposite of who she actually was in order to draw attention.

Amy knew a lot has changed since then. But she didn't know perhaps the most important thing, one that had the potential to be earth shattering, if it ever did allow itself to revealed - something shifted inside of Karma too in that jail cell. All the fundamental truths she thought she knew proved to be lies she conceived, lies that were so strong because they built a fantasy world Karma could lose herself in, a world in which everything was easy. Being with Liam was easy. Being someone else was easy. It was safe.

What Amy had no possible way of knowing was that, aside from Karma's unbearable fear of losing the most important person in her life, what was holding her back the most from coming to terms with the truth and coming clean about it to Amy was her inability to reconcile the fact that her best friend could fall for painfully ordinary Karma, the girl who had nothing special to hold anyone's affections, especially someone as amazing as her best friend– she didn't have the looks, the charm, not even the personality.

Yet she lit up Amy's world without even trying, she was that ray of sunlight that made it all better for the selfless, overly sarcastic, self-assured girl with blonde locks, who always felt more than she allowed people to see, who was secretly hurt by her mother's backhanded compliments, her growing affection towards Lauren instead of her, and her father's absence.

Karma couldn't come to terms with that realization - that someone could love her so unbearably much on their own free will, unconditionally, for no other reason than just for being herself. Nothing more, nothing less. All of her – flaws, quirks, curves and edges.

Amy always had a choice. But Karma was her constant and she always would be. Which was why her decision was clear as day – Karma's happiness came first.

She would eventually get used to the growing ache in her chest that only intensified when Karma came by in the mornings, looking so effortlessly pretty, she'd get used to holding her breath when Karma would get overly affectionate and occupy her personal space like she always used to do when they were little.

She'd get used to falling asleep next to her and waking up the next morning after their traditional movie marathons, all the while attempting to deny ever stealing fugitive glances or absentmindedly brushing her hair out of her eyes when it sprayed across her pillow as she slept, or quietly watching her in a mesmerized haze for a fleeting moment, before sparing herself the heartache and looking away.

It would get easier with time – it was what she kept telling herself. She kept pretending that it still wasn't so _damn_ hard to be around her. She was grateful for having her back as a friend, but it was moments like these that reminded her of what she was missing, of what she could never have.

It was moments like these that she wished she wasn't in love with her best friend.

Her extensive self-reflection was interrupted by a knock on her door. When she opened it, she was graced with the image of a smirking Shane Harvey leaning against her doorframe.

"Aren't you going to ask me in, blondie?" – he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. After a few moments of silence and internal pondering, Amy came back from la-la-land. She blinked a couple of times, still in deep thought, before welcoming her overly enthusiastic guest.

"Of course. Hi, Shane. I'm sorry. I just spaced out a little." – she smiled apologetically, and they both took a seat on the living room couch. Shane studied her preoccupied expression, before giving her an all-knowing, satisfied look.

"Well, well, well..if it isn't your I'm-thinking-about-Karma face." – Shane joked, lightly punching her shoulder.

Amy rolled her eyes playfully in response.

"Actually, isn't that your default face?" - he added, his quiet chuckle turning into full-blown, heartfelt laughter. This time it was Amy who kicked him in the ribs.

"Am I _still_ that obvious?" – the blonde questioned, her tone half surprised, half exasperated. She was turning into a rom-com character and she hated that with every fiber of her being. When did she become this vulnerable, hopeless character?

"Pretty much." – he cut in, chuckling to himself yet again. "You're in luck. She is coincidentally the reason why I'm here."

Amy cocked an eyebrow suspiciously, but intrigued nonetheless.

"Really? Spill." – she demanded.

Shane's cheerful demeanor was replaced by a concerned, thoughtful gaze, as his laughter came to a halt. He wordlessly took both of Amy's hands in his, before letting out a heavy sigh. He had a feeling he'd regret butting in sooner or later. He was well aware that it wasn't his place but he felt like it was his duty somehow. There was something off about Amy for weeks and it didn't take him long to put two and two together.

"Honey, we need to talk about what happened last week at that party at your house." – he said, cautiously.

"What about it?" – Amy shrugged her shoulders casually, feigning ignorance, a bit perplexed by Shane's actions.

"Karma kissed you in that pool. Are we not going to talk about it?" – Shane asked, incredulously. The blonde appeared unfazed and if he didn't know better, he'd think she was actually indifferent. But he knew Amy Raudenfeld – she was just tired, tired of feeling hopeless and scared of allowing herself to feel again. With Karma, it was strong, undeniable and all at once. It was too much.

"What's there to say, Shane? She was drunk and obviously did it to make Liam jealous. Normally, I'd be annoyed by that but I've gotten used to it." – she replied, a subtle hint of hurt slipping into her voice.

"Whoa, hold on, Amy. I was there. I've seen it. She kissed you before she even realized Liam was around. Don't you think that means something?" – Shane asked, hoping to get some sort of reaction from the blonde, but she was just huffing, visibly annoyed, maybe a bit hurt, and clearly not allowing his words to get to her. Not again.

"No, I don't, Shane." – she cut in, rather harshly. "Where are you going with this?"

The stylish, overly perceptive teen ran a hand through his hair, contemplating switching tactics to get it through the blonde's thick skull. He loved Amy to bits but she could be so frustrating sometimes. Although, he could see where she was coming from. Of all his friends, Amy probably suffered the most this year.

"Okay. " – he took another deep breath, gathering his thoughts. "You let me say my piece, and then I'm out of your house, I promise. But I'm doing this for your own good, Raudenfeld, so at least hear me out, alright?"

The blonde wanted to put up a fight and tell him that it was the last topic she wanted to discuss, but she didn't want to be rude or cranky with him just because she wasn't feeling well.

"Fine." – she made up her mind. "But only because you asked nicely."

"Look, Amy..I know what I saw, alright? That wasn't a fake kiss. And I know Karma was drunk and we both know she's been acting out lately but..it got me thinking. Did you ever wonder if maybe there's a reason for that?" – Shane asked.

"Yes, I kind of slept with her boyfriend, remember?" – Amy cut in, regretfully, saying it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. That had to be it, right?

"I hate to break it to you, Amy, but I don't think it's about _that_ anymore." – Shane said, his gaze meeting Amy's mildly confused one. _Way to be cryptic, Shane._

"Liam's a mess, you know.." – he added, changing the subject out of the blue. "He really thought he and Karma had something."

"They did. " – Amy whispered, as she got up from the couch and started pacing in the room, her gaze absentmindedly catching the scenery outside. "I ruined that for her. She didn't trust him anymore because of me."

Shane was growing increasingly irritated with the blonde's painfully obvious denial and avoidance to address the giant elephant in the room. _Come on, Amy. You're not supposed to be the clueless one._

"I know there still are some trust issues between the three of you but that doesn't explain why Karma didn't fall in love with Liam and broke up with him. You stepped aside, Amy, and it still didn't happen. Liam told me what you did on her birthday. He actually admired you for that, you know." – Shane said.

"Oh, praise from Liam Booker. What an honor. " – she drawled sarcastically, but Shane quickly interrupted her, annoyed that she didn't appear to take the conversation seriously. At all.

"I mean it, Amy. And I think we both know the real reason behind all of this." - Shane said, his gaze hesitant, yet compassionate. "Doesn't this whole acting out of control thing remind you of another girl who cornered me at school one morning, freaking out about not faking it and acting like she snorted some meth? Took her long enough to get here, I'll have to say." – he chuckled.

Without warning, Amy spun around from the spot she was currently occupying beside the window, staring Shane down, sheer anger and underlying hurt vivid in her blue-green eyes.

"You need to stop." – she hissed, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Her tone was raspy and a lot harsher than intended, although she couldn't mask the subtle cracks in her voice. "Whatever it is you're trying to do, you're wrong and it needs to stop, okay?" – she added, shakily, as she unconsciously wrapped her arms around herself.

"You're not fooling anyone, Amy.." – Shane stood up from the couch and gently rubbed her back, but the blonde backpedaled and looked away instead. "I know you're still in love with her."

With an unexpected force, Amy grabbed Shane's arm, compelling him to let go of her. Shane was taken aback by the way the blonde was acting – he didn't expect her to be this angry. But he knew her. Amy might be good at faking a lot of things, but pain wasn't on the list, especially the real, raw, Karma-broke-my-heart-repeatedly type.

"I don't want to be." – Amy's strained, low voice came, her nails unconsciously digging into her palms as her hands balled up into fists by her sides. Her words were quiet, her voice was weak, but their weight was monumental. "Not anymore."

_Every time I look at her, my stomach gets these fluttery, I-think-I'm-gonna-barf feelings. And as much as I want them to go away, I kind of don't._

Her frame shook slightly and Shane took it as a cue to wrap his hands around her waist. She was too tired to resist him and allowed him to hold her briefly, before she let go and looked him square in the eye.

"You are a great friend, Shane. But you were wrong about Karma before and nothing's changed now. " – she said, attempting to hold her tears in check. The last thing she wanted was to break down and cry over her best friend again. She had enough of that. It was time to stop being _that_ girl.

"Don't worry about me. This time it's different." – she added, doing everything in her power to maintain a strong, convincing tone to stop Shane from insisting, maybe convince herself in the process too – possibly heal as well.

"I think it's different for her too. I might be wrong, Amy. But I don't think that I am. Just think about it, okay? And talk to her." – he pleaded gently and quietly, but Amy wouldn't have any of it. She just turned around and looked out the window again, as if whatever she was gazing at held the answer to all of her questions.

Shane felt his own heart breaking, seeing his friend like this. Amy had come a long way from the girl who freaked out about not faking it on the quad not too long ago. A part of him admired her for her sheer strength and selflessness, but another, much stronger part feared that even this remarkable new her wouldn't be able to shield her from pent-up anguish and pain for too long. There was only one person who could - the one who broke her in the first place.

As he sympathetically gazed at his friend, no words exchanged between the two of them for what felt like hours, he wondered if by the time Karma pulled herself together and faced the truth herself, it would be too late. Past Shane would've thought Karma just needed a little push – but not even that kiss at the threesome shook her enough to reevaluate her feelings. Maybe Amy's been through enough and it was for the best to finally let go.

What neither of them knew was that a few blocks away, there was another girl wondering if it was too late to right the wrong and finally step off the edge, all doubts and fears be damned. She had waited too long and now their timing was off.

She was at a standstill, losing a battle against herself that she shouldn't have even led in the first place. She just wished she knew how to put an end to it without hurting the people around her again, without causing pain to the one person in this world who meant the most to her. She could never forgive herself if that happened.


	7. The Five Stages Of Heartbreak

It is often said that there are five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that we must face in order to overcome loss. But oddly enough, the feeling of loss can be experienced even without actually having something to lose in the first place - in its cruelest form – heartbreak, unrequited love resulting in what's essentially an ache for something lost that wasn't even gained in the first place.

Amy had navigated all of those stages – she experienced denial firsthand the morning after the homecoming assembly, when she nearly hit Lauren straight in the face with the alarm clock that she threw across the room in a rush of panic after a dream she never expected she'd have in a lifetime. She experienced anger and crippling jealousy when Karma got up on that stage and sang that song for Liam when she hoped she'd be the first one to hear it because it was _their_ ritual.

Amy would listen to her songs and jokingly point out how bad they were, before taking it back and complimenting her best friend on her talent, despite her audience up until that point being just her and a bunch of cats.

It didn't matter to Amy.

She knew the whole world would someday watch her shine and see what she knew was there all along – Amy _always_ believed in her and offered her unconditional support and encouragement - and not just because it was supposedly best friend duty, but because she genuinely believed Karma was so much more than she gave herself credit for - and in more ways than one.

But she got so mad because she wanted Karma to sing in public for the right reasons, not just to impress a meaningless boy. And maybe a small part of her hopelessly dreamed that she was the inspiration behind that song, that it was meant for her and her only.

_When I'm with you, I don't have to hide. When I'm with you, I can be myself._

But she was wrong. She's been wrong all along about Karma and the realization broke her time and time again.

When she freaked out on the quad and told Shane about her growing feelings, she went through the third stage – bargaining. She started berating herself for ever kissing Karma in front of an awaiting crowd made out of people who essentially meant absolutely nothing to her. If she hadn't, everything would've stayed the same – she'd have been normal, happy in her blissful, clueless state and not a jealous, questioning mess. It would've been so much easier and less complicated, like their friendship was bound to be.

She could've committed social suicide and not given much of a damn for the rest of the school year. But she knew that painfully insecure Karma wouldn't have recovered from that, it would've killed her. She couldn't let her take the fall.

It took Amy a single fateful kiss and long nights of self-reflection and constant questioning afterwards to reach the fourth stage – depression.

She realized that, along the years, despite her warnings to Karma about her plans having massive chances of resulting in failure, the only reason she still allowed the brunette to act on them and supported her all throughout was because it made her happy. It was then that she realized this change in herself could forever jeopardize Karma’s happiness. And knowing that she would have to keep this huge secret from her broke her inside and sent her into a downward spiral of doubt and depression.

Amy was the first to admit how often she got into trouble because of her best friend’s genius ideas, but it was worth it if she got to see that genuine Karma smile reserved for a handful of people only.

It almost felt like being part of something special, being privileged enough to witness her best friend in all of her authenticity, underneath layers of constant doubt and self-esteem issues - just Karma - beautiful, childish, impulsive, devoted Karma, not Karma Ashcroft, the girl who carried around a name that tied her to anything but the norm, her special family bringing about a constant struggle to be loved and accepted by her peers in a way that she never quite felt she was at home.

Amy's acceptance came at the wedding. It was the moment Karma got up from underneath the table and she looked at her. In that split second, she saw not only her past and present, but her future also. It was then that she knew - when her eyes locked with the girl she's loved her entire life but never really realized _how_ much.

She thought she had fully embraced that acceptance. But maybe Amy was wrong. Maybe a small part of her, hidden behind her own share of denial and lies about putting those feelings behind her still held that ridiculous false hope Shane and maybe herself unconsciously fueled.

Maybe that tragic hope ignited in her heart that fateful day everything went downhill, hidden underneath a shaky, strained voice, tragically beautiful words and vain promises that she never believed could ever belong to her – never actually went away. Maybe it was still there, like a slow burning fire waiting for a spark, a sign.

But Amy was tired of waiting around for nothing. She needed a sixth stage – closure. She needed to not only accept what she felt – which she had, a long time ago – but actually accept that it wasn't going anywhere.

She would always be in love with Karma Ashcroft. But it was time to stop hoping she'd change her mind.

And the only way to get that closure was by not allowing herself to fuel that hope anymore, by drowning that spark little by little, by allowing a once throbbing, overwhelming pain in her chest to turn into a dull ache that would eventually diminish with time.

It was time to see them spending the rest of their lives together in the same way Karma did. It was time to at least try to see Karma the same way she saw her – her best friend instead of the girl she loved.

School would be out soon too. She'd have a whole summer ahead – enough time to grow, to heal and hopefully forget a lot of what happened this past year. It was time to get her closure. It was time to bury the pain and finally move on.

Her subconscious, apparently, still wasn't ready, as she stood on the roof, overlooking the school grounds, her feet dangling over the edge. In spite of her own efforts, she was still conjuring another painful memory she should've buried – she was remembering another day she stood in that very same place. At least she was trying – she never deluded herself that it would come easy. Baby steps.

"Don't jump." – a familiar voice rang in the distance, partly obscured by the sound of the door shutting behind her as she walked.

Amy weakly turned around and smiled, in spite of herself, her unknowingly lovestruck gaze landing on her best friend. But the person staring back at her was vastly different now - Karma was no longer that bubbly girl who sought her out on that roof to apologize not too long ago – she wore that same, tired, pitiful attempt at a smile too.

She looked so different from that image still vividly present in Amy's mind – her presence was calmer, more collected, her eyes weren't seeing the world in that same way anymore. They had both grown and hurt so much – partly because of each other.

"Don't flatter yourself." – Amy reciprocated, as the gloomy brunette hesitantly approached her, taking shaken steps towards the ledge, her stance fragile and defeated. Despite the blonde's own struggle, the instant panic and fear triggered by that action snapped her out of her trance. "Karma, what are you doing? You're scared of heights."

"Not so much when you're here." – Karma voiced back, without intending to. It sounded a lot like I'm ready to step off the edge now. _Too little, too late_.

_At first, I didn’t want to have those feelings either, they’re scary but they’re scary because they’re exciting. Karma, step off the edge with me._

She took a seat next to Amy, maintaining the same position from the last time they met there, still too anxious to look down. Amy sensed her hesitation and flashed her an encouraging smile, as the breeze blew a stubborn strand of blonde hair into her eyes, diminishing her vision.

She reached out to tuck it behind her ear, when a small, trembling hand tugged at her forearm, stopping her. Karma wordlessly placed her hand on hers, before taking a deep breath to compose herself and interlocked their fingers. Silence engulfed them – for minutes on end, neither said anything, just listened to the indistinct chatter of student voices below, the sound of the wind blowing, and the deafening echo of everything they're _still_ not saying.

"It's been a crazy year, huh?" – Karma awkwardly broke the quiet atmosphere, biting her lip as she did. Amy nodded, still absentmindedly staring ahead, seemingly unaware of Karma studying her profile intently – her nose, the curve of her lips, her chin, those never-ending pools of green and blue that saw the world like no one else, that saw her the way nobody else ever did.

She was achingly beautiful and it killed her that it took her so long to see it. She's always known Amy was beautiful. But maybe all of the times she looked at her, she never really saw her. Not the way she was seeing her now.

She would've given anything to know what was going on in Amy's mind right then. She couldn't bring herself to pull her hand away, even though she knew she had to. Without knowing, she was breaking Amy even more.

"Yeah.." – a hushed whisper came from the lips she was currently gazing at. "Are you crying?"

Karma shook her head fervently as the sound of Amy's concerned voice reached her ears, rubbing her hands together and looking down, immediately regretting that decision, as a wave of apprehension overwhelmed her due to her crippling fear of falling. She hadn't even realized her eyes started watering until the blonde pointed it out.

Amy squeezed her hand in reassurance, and Karma breathed in deeply again. The rhythm of her heartbeats was erratic, and she wasn't sure if she could blame it on the height alone this time around.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here." – the blonde whispered again, gently rubbing her back with her other hand, forcing her to look upwards and meet her gaze instead of the immensity below, the gesture seemingly calming her down.

"Do you remember when you told me you weren't afraid of the dark, but anxious instead?" – Karma asked, out of the blue. Amy gave her a quizzical look, before nodding in approval. "Now I see the difference."

There was so much more hidden underneath those words. But once again, she couldn't bring herself to say it. She could only bring herself to stare, while dozens of images involuntarily flashed across her eyes – a ball pit in kindergarten, a silly dance routine, cookie baking on Friday nights. Everything came back to her and however painful it was to recall the past, she couldn't turn back time and erase the wrong. She couldn't undo any of it.

"But then again – somehow you always manage to chase it away." – Karma let out a hollow laugh, her eyes falling upon their joined hands, as an involuntary sigh escaped her lips. She didn't catch Amy's spellbound gaze on her, quietly and maybe guiltily admiring the way her hair fell down her shoulders and the angelic glow of it in the afternoon light.

"I don't know how or why, but it's _always_ been you." – Karma said, reluctantly removing her hand from Amy's grasp. She gulped, swallowing her fears, and allowed her fingers to gently follow the curve of her jaw, her gaze earnest and completely transparent, maybe for the first time.

It sounded a lot like I love you.

Amy's breath quickened and she slowly closed her eyes, allowing Karma to cup her face, allowing the feel of her skin to soothe her, if only for a fleeting moment. All the impulses in her body were telling her to lean forward, while the voice of reason - for once stronger than anything else - urged her to pull away, to not allow herself to be sucked in the same current that's always been too powerful for her to fight on her own.

It's always been _her_ fight only. It was only right that she'd be the one to end it.

Her lips curved upwards into a sincere smile filled with understanding, acknowledgement, chances never taken, words left unsaid and bad timing. She slowly removed Karma's hand from her face and looked away, not catching the underlying hurt of her best friend's emerald gaze. She allowed the brunette to rest her hand on her lap again, but this time her grip was weaker, more fragile. Just like her.

Karma took hold of her hand again and stood up, wordlessly signaling the blonde to do so too. She guided her away from the ledge, at a safe enough distance to say what she needed to say.

"Amy, I'm sorry." – her voice cracked as she spoke. A shiver ran down her spine when she felt a comforting touch on her shoulder.

"For what?" – Amy asked, her own gaze mirroring the vibrant honesty and vulnerability in Karma's.

" _Everything."_ – she replied, simply, knowing that a single word held more weight and meaning than she was ready to admit.

She was sorry for all sorts of things – for not being truthful, for ever letting Amy believe she didn't love her that way, for not being a better friend herself, for pushing Amy to move on so quickly when she wasn't ready, for pushing herself to move on in the process without even realizing there was something to move on from. Now she was stuck in a place she couldn't name – there was no going back and no moving forward.

"It's fine, Karma. What's done is done. We can't change it." – Amy said, attempting to sound reassuring but ending up sounding just as broken. "But we can move on from it."

It sounded a lot like a goodbye, an end to a story that she never even allowed to begin because she was too much of coward.

"I'm trying _so_ hard, Amy." – she choked on her words and began to whimper and tremble even more than before. "I _can't_ lose you, okay? Do you understand that?" – she got up on her tip-toes and shook Amy's shoulders slightly, forcing her not to break eye contact.

Amy was visibly confused and hurting – the last thing she would've expected when she came up here on the roof to think was Karma breaking down and allowing her walls to crumble before her completely. She knew that look – it was the same one she had at the wedding. She's never seen her so torn and vulnerable and it scared her. She had to do something.

"I'm not going anywhere. You'll never lose me, alright?" – Amy whispered, taking both of her hands in hers. She never thought she'd find herself in this strange role reversal, with her words mirroring her best friend's on that fateful night she poured her heart out to her. Oddly enough, Karma was the one in need of comforting this time. What she didn't know was that Karma was also in need of saving.

"You're my best friend, Amy. If I don't have you, I have _no one_ , okay? _No one_ matters without you. You _have_ to know that and you _have_ to listen to me when I say it because I _mean_ it. I _can't_ lose you." – Karma's words came in a jumbled, rushed mess, her breathing labored and her voice strained.

She paced back and forth, running a hand through her hair, her shoulders slumped and her heart sinking in her chest, as she took in the view before her - those green eyes that have begun to haunt her late at night, that familiar, beautiful face she used to wake up to after sleepovers, that kind and amazing soul belonging to the only person who saw her as _enough._ "But I can't be without you either."

It sounded a lot like I'm in love with you. _Too little, too late._

"You don't have to." – Amy said, shrugging her shoulders, confused and _conflicted._ She didn't understand why Karma was acting the way she was. Or maybe she was too scared, too tired, too broken to understand anymore. She couldn't go down that road again, despite everything pointing in that direction.

She couldn't allow herself to drown in those pleading pools of green that, on some level, have always held the same emotion she saw in the mirror reflected in her own eyes when she thought of Karma. They were now facing her, overwhelming her, and that emotion was stronger than ever and it was coming from the _only_ person she's ever wanted to look at her _that_ way.

_But it's not real. It can't be real._

"I know this year has been crazy and almost tore us apart but, no matter what, I'm your best friend. I won't ever leave you and I.." – Amy paused, uncertainly. "I'll always love you, okay?"

_Just not like that. Not anymore._

Maybe this was her reality now, maybe it was karma. Maybe she just got what she deserved – a taste of her own, bitter medicine.

The irony was cruel and regret a slow burning poison coursing through her veins. But the ache in her heart when Amy lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her tightly was unmatched. It was the worst kind of pain she's ever experienced. It was worse than finding out about Liam and Amy.

It was.. _everything_ that Amy felt all along.

And all because of her.

It made her sob uncontrollably and cling to Amy's jacket, hold onto it like a lifeline, knowing that despite all of her irrational quests, morally reprehensible acts triggered by confusion, denial and a long-repressed void in her heart, there was always _her -_ finding her and putting her back together. This time, it wasn't the same. It was everything, yet it still wasn't enough.

_Karma, step off the edge with me._

Too little, too late.


	8. A Waiting Game

Karma Ashcroft always thought of herself as the planner – everything she did was thought of beforehand, maybe not always carefully analyzed before being set into action, but planned nonetheless. She planned her high school experience while she was still in middle school, knowing exactly what she wanted to experience, she planned the rest of her life with Amy, her best friend, down to the smallest detail, knowing that there was no one she could ever imagine spending the rest of her life with, she planned her dream happy ending since she was 6 – find prince charming, get a house with a white picket fence, next door to Amy's, of course. They were soulmates, after all. They promised each other.

But it is true that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, as she later came to realize, sadly. Why sadly? Because she was too late. While she was busy planning, the reality around her began to shift unexpectedly, presenting her with a fork in that road she's always envisioned for herself and carefully crafted step by step - her decision to fake it with Amy had changed everything, her mother was right - that was her major cosmic shift. She just never realized it. Amy was her major cosmic shift and she was the force standing between her and her true love - not Amy, not Liam, but herself.

It took her too long to realize that there was a reason why, all along, all of her plans somehow revolved around Amy, _her_ Amy. It took her so long to see that, somewhere along the way, her prince charming had somehow vanished into thin air and what still stood tall was the image of her best friend – all she could see when she closed her eyes were those blonde locks and those haunting blue-green eyes. She wanted that future instead - she still wanted what she always dreamed of when she was a little girl, but she also wanted more. She wanted to have everything with Amy.

It took her so long to realize that there was a reason why she wanted to go with Amy to prom instead of anyone else, a reason why she got jealous of Felix for taking her instead, a reason she kissed Amy in that pool after lashing out and exposing the opposite of who she was at that high school party and a reason why she could never put someone else above Amy in her life.

She had planned that high school experience, like many other things. She had told Amy that she was bored of their routine and all she wanted was to feel something other than boredom, as mean as it sounded. She meant it, though she didn't expect heartache and regret to make the top of the list. But lately, it's been everything she could feel. It made her feel alive in a way, but it also devastated her, with each passing moment.

She’d give anything to go back to the first day of the school year, shake herself and punch some much needed common sense into her thick skull.

Amy used to be her constant. And now Amy was the source of that ache, much like she was the source of hers for months, without knowing it, despite claiming that she knew Amy better than anyone did. But sometimes she didn't even stop to analyze herself, much less the people around her, not when she's caught up in her own personal struggle many people don't know of, one she hides behind bubbly smiles and schemes for popularity, making people believe she is shallow when she is anything but - she is painfully real, fragile and insecure.

She never could let Amy love her. But somewhere along the way, she had finally realized what Amy hoped she would - that her prince charming was princess sarcasm.

But she still couldn't tell her. Instead, she spent weeks holding her newfound realization inside and not saying anything. In a way, she admired Amy for being so calm and composed about everything before when she struggled so much now. She nearly lost all sense of control when she heard the most unexpected words coming out of the blonde's mouth during one of their usual, casual conversations they sparked up in between commercial breaks:

"I think I should start dating again." – the blonde had said, reaching for the popcorn, completely unfazed.

Karma's head turned in the opposite direction on impulse, facing the blonde, taken aback by the last words she expected to hear and the dull ache in her chest.

"You do?" – she asked, going for casual, but instead sounding uncertain and hurt.

"Yeah, I mean.." – the blonde lifted herself up, fixing her pillow and shrugging her shoulders, still clueless. "Reagan's moved on, why shouldn't I?"

"But are you sure you're ready?" – Karma asked, an unspoken plea in her eyes. Amy didn't pick up on any of it, or at least didn't seem to. Maybe she was just tired of reading too much into everything concerning Karma, despite knowing how to read her reactions better than anyone.

"Maybe I'm not, but I want to be. I'm tired of being alone, Karma." – Amy whispered, rubbing her hands together unconsciously, her voice dropping an octave. Karma bit her lip, her heart breaking with each strained sound coming from the blonde's mouth.

She couldn't bear to hear her voice sounding like that – knowing that it was partly because of her. It was her scheme for popularity that got this intense emotional train rolling in the first place, her choices that led Amy to be forced to move on when she wasn't ready to. Much like now.

"But you're not alone – you have me. " – she blurted out, before giving herself a chance to process it. Amy gave her a pained smile and she immediately regretted opening her mouth. Words were never her strong suit.

"I know, but we both know that's not the same." – Amy said, avoiding the brunette's look, choosing to focus on her own hands on her lap, fidgeting with her jacket's zipper. "Maybe you should too, after the whole thing with Liam."

Karma took a deep breath to compose herself, as his name reached her ears. But it didn't give her butterflies, it only brought anxiety and regret and resentment. She couldn't ever see Liam the same way after what he did. And on some level, she's always known the Liam Booker she thought she was in love with was just a reflection of her own dreams and expectations materialized in a person.

She didn't want him back. She didn't want any prince charming anymore. She just wanted what she should've chased all along. But Amy realized too soon and she realized too late. Much like everything concerning them, they were polar opposites even in love. But that didn't stop them from falling - though that failed timing was still her biggest regret. She could've had everything. They could have had everything. She wasn't sure if they still could. Now. Later. Ever.

"I don't think I ever really loved him, Amy. You were right, we just want to be loved. And I wanted that from him but it turns out I don't know anything about love. " – Karma said, letting out the words she always thought but never had the courage to say out loud. She fixed her hair nervously - she had said too much.

"There's always time to figure that out. You just have to try." – Amy said, hesitantly placing her hand on hers. She didn't expect that jolt of electricity passing through her body and briefly wondered why she never realized it before – she only felt that around Amy. "You will find someone, I told you before."

Karma sighed, rubbing her temples absentmindedly, her gaze hard and focused, as if she was holding the entire weight of the world on her shoulders. Without warning, without planning on it, four fateful words escaped Karma's lips, before she could realize their impact, gravity or implications.

"Maybe I already have."

The blonde's eyes widened in confusion, but only briefly. She blinked a few times, facing her fidgeting best friend, before resuming her initial position, the movie long since forgotten. There were a million thoughts running through her mind, but the first one she silenced was that nagging "what if" she still couldn't quite let go of. She was on her way to accomplishing that. Someday. Someday soon.

"You did?" – she asked, uncertainly. "Well, who's the lucky guy? Don't keep me hanging." – she joked, nudging her side playfully. "I know we're not exactly back to being the way we used to, but why did you keep this from me?"

Karma shook her head fervently, wanting to deny it, wanting to say so much more, but she still couldn't. Instead, she settled for asking a question she was dying to know the answer to for far too long.

"Amy." – she whispered in a low tone, making eye contact with her best friend, her serious look urging her not to look away. "Why me?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I never got to ask you..in that jail cell. You told me you've always been in love with me. Why me, Amy?" – Karma asked again, louder, more certain, her bottom lip trembling and her eyes filling with tears unexpectedly.

Amy's green eyes shimmered with unshed tears also - not even knowing why at this point. For the life of her, she couldn't tell why Karma would suddenly bring this up - it hurt too much to even think about it. She was not just taken aback by the question but forced to relive a past she was trying so hard to let go of. Despite that, her hurt still overcame her confusion. She couldn't stand to see Karma like that – fragile, insecure. It was too much to handle, even for her. She had to do something to stop it.

"Why not you?" – Amy asked, rhetorically, flashing her a beaming, encouraging smile, as a brief realization flashed across her eyes. "I see what this is about now. You think no one would fall in love with you, that's why you're afraid to move on. Karma, you wouldn't be my best friend if there wasn't so much to love about you. I hate most people." – Amy giggled to herself, attempting to light up the mood, but Karma was still dejected, looking down and biting hard on her lip. Amy was getting the wrong idea all over again. But she couldn't blame her. She compelled her to act that way. She never gave Amy any shred of hope. She never gave them hope. She never even gave them a try.

"I just.." – she opened her mouth to say something, but the words ached too much to be verbalized. She _still_ couldn't do it and she inwardly cursed herself for her cowardice. "I never understood why. I still don't."

"Well, I do." – Amy said, her expression turning solemn now too. "At first I didn't, but then it made all the sense in the world. And you will find someone who sees everything I did, everything I still do."

Karma's heart soared and she felt her throat dry out. She didn't deserve any of this. She never did. But she wanted to, she wanted to feel worthy, for once. She wanted to be the person Amy always saw. But she couldn't help but feel like she had missed her chance for good.

"What if I'm not sure I want to find someone else?" – Karma asked, without meaning to. It was supposed to be an inner thought but she verbalized it anyway. There was no going back now. "You know me, Amy. I never know what I want." _Until it's too late._

"You'll find out soon enough. You just have to stop being scared. I know it's not easy." – Amy reassured again, flashing her an encouraging smile once more.

"Let's make a pact." – Karma said, swallowing painfully. She was scared. She was _still_ scared. "Let's find out together."

As much as it pained her to say it, she couldn't deny Amy's chance at happiness. She deserved to move on from her, she deserved to try and find someone else, she deserved not to be hurt and confused by her again. As for her – she deserved to hurt. She deserved to feel the ache currently suffocating her. She had to be a supportive best friend, like Amy had been a thousand times before.

And if it was meant to be, maybe they'll find their timing again. They always find their way back to each other.

"Sure." – Amy nodded, not missing her best friend's glazed eyes. She felt compelled to bring her closer and chase her doubts away – again. It was her job. "Come here." – she whispered against her frame, pulling her in a comforting hug. "You're not unlovable, okay? You're everything but. You have to believe me."

With those words, Karma started sobbing quietly, her nails digging into her best friend's jacket, not wanting to let go. She wanted to let herself believe it. But more than anything, she wanted to turn back time. She wanted to still have a chance to turn things around. But for now, all she could do was wait.


	9. Not The Way I Planned It (Part 1)

If there's anything Karma Ashcroft is, it's a teenage girl at heart- and that often makes her behave impulsively and unpredictably. Despite taking pride in being the planner, there's no doubt the auburn-haired girl often acts before she speaks or thinks thoroughly about the impact of her decisions. And if there's something she didn't plan, didn't want, constantly fought against, repeatedly denied, it was falling for Amy – and that, she had no control over, and she put one hell of a fight. That realization was still hard to grasp, even more so when she finds herself going against her resolve, against her decision to let Amy go and be happy and move on with someone else. Theoretically, the concept was simple - stay the hell away and distract yourself somehow, let the best friend you hurt repeatedly have a real shot at happiness. But practice didn't make perfect, it only brought disaster.

She didn't plan to act like a jealous mess – again, and unwillingly sabotage all of Amy's attempts at finding someone else – Jessica? _Too noisy._ Alicia? _Only out for one thing, Aimes, you can do better._ Raven? _Doesn't that remind you of someone else? Seems awkward, huh?_ Not only had she placed a territorial arm around Amy but she also pretended to need to fix her hair just when they approached her and were a little too friendly, consequently scaring them away and pissing Amy off, on top of confusing the hell out of her - and this had gone for weeks. Not even when the blonde offered to fix her up with some cute guy as a double date had she stopped acting crazy – she was bored, unimpressed and uninterested all throughout, and actually a little too interested in the brunette getting up close and personal with her best friend, making her blood boil and her hands ball into fists.

So, here she was now, cursing herself for her lack of self-control, wearing a ridiculous, too-tight-to-be-just-casual black dress chosen in hopes of making Amy's jaw drop – and succeeding, but only for a split moment, before said brunette ruined everything - holding her head in her hands, exhaling heavily and wiping her smudged mascara. No tears. Just some stupid, cheap mascara she bought on impulse. Because she was trying to distract herself. Or something. Clearly it hadn't worked.

She had tried to be calm and composed about all of this, she really did, but the sheer force of willpower was not enough. She couldn't. Not only was she insanely jealous, but also guilty and regretful all the time. She tried to hide it but her cover was falling off – maybe this time completely. This was the day she dreaded. The day she fought against with each breath since she came up with the genius idea to fake it with her best friend. Because that is totally not going to complicate things. _Marvelous, Ashcroft._

But if she could be impulsive and unpredictable and a typical teenage girl who had an unhealthy love for drama, so could Amy. And the last thing she expected was the blonde barging in her room, fuming. Karma cursed herself a little for thinking she still looked cute even when slamming her door and spewing angry words.

"Okay, what is going on with you?" – Amy demanded, crossing her arms and stomping her foot, almost comically.

"What are you talking about?" – Karma replied, playing the innocent card, but still looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

Amy's frustration only grew stronger, and so did her confusion. She had no clue what had suddenly gotten into her best friend and this time she was determined to get to the bottom of this whole situation. There was something off about Karma for weeks and she'd make her talk - even if it meant forcefully dragging each word out of her herself.

"Really? Are you just going to pretend you didn't scare my date away, again?" – Amy demanded once again, running a hand through her hair. Sensing Karma's hesitance, she continued. "I even found someone for you this time and you just.." – the blonde's voice dropped in disappointment. She paused, trying to gather her thoughts and compose herself, but anger took over - "You're confusing the hell out of me right now. Am I missing something here?"

Karma bit her lip and stared at the ground in shame, avoiding eye contact. She had no excuse for her behavior. As for an explanation, she did have one. But she couldn't tell it to Amy. She'd only hurt her more.

"I'm sorry, Amy. Look, it's nothing. I don't know what got into me." – Karma confessed, regretfully. It was part of the truth. A very small part. That she could do. For now.

"No, you are not going to dodge me, again." – Amy huffed, visibly pissed off. More and more by the second. "You are going to talk to me. I'm your best friend, I thought we told each other everything."

"Yeah, well, we haven't done that in a while, have we?" – Karma countered, not meaning for her voice to take an equally angry edge. Too late to take it back now.

Amy's look softened momentarily, as she locked eyes with Karma, but her anger still overpowered everything else.

"I know we've been through some heavy stuff but we're here now, aren't we? And you can't just push me away and pull me back whenever you want, Karma." – Amy cut in, pacing back and forth in her room, biting her lip to stop herself from saying anything harsher, anything she'd regret. She was mad and confused and hurting. A lot more than she wanted to admit. "Just because you’re not ready to move on, that doesn't mean I shouldn't." – she added, pointing an accusatory finger at her best friend, her tone piercing through the sudden quiet of the room, rendering Karma speechless.

"Maybe I don't want you to!" – she voiced back – loud and raw and completely unplanned – unlike everything else in her life.

Contrasting emotions flared in Amy's blue-green eyes – from astonishment to raw hurt and anger increased tenfold. She blinked a few times, not quite sure she heard her right, her mouth opening and closing, but no sound coming out. When she regained her speaking abilities, she finally broke down and expressed everything she was forced not to - for too long, everything she's held inside, all of her pent-up pain accumulated over the span of the hardest year of her life so far.

"Why? Because I'd _actually_ be happy for once?" – she taunted, and without warning, the next words flew out of her mouth, one by one, long overdue and filled with long-repressed heartache. "Because someone could _actually_ want me? Because it's not _all_ about _you_ for once?"

"Amy, listen to me—" – Karma cut in, taken aback by the unusual anger coming from her usually calm and collected best friend. She deserved it, but didn't expect it to come in such strong, overwhelming waves, each of her words piercing through her, making her heart ache in the worst possible way. It was the truth. And the truth hurt – a lot.

"No, _you_ listen to me." – the blonde yelled, tears swelling in her eyes unexpectedly and her limbs shaking. She crossed the room in one quick motion, stopping right before Karma, staring her down. " _You_ don't get to dictate my happiness, or anyone else's. _You_ had no right, Karma. Tell me, what was wrong, with any of the girls I've met? Huh?"

Karma fell silent, her throat constricted and her green gaze glistening with unshed tears too. She had nothing to say. After all this time, she had nothing to say. Nothing to give to Amy. No explanation, no justification, nothing rational or concrete. It wasn't fair to her. None of it was.

Utterly defeated, she decided there was no going back this time. She had to be honest – for once, no matter how hard and painful it was. Amy was right, she had no right to do this. But she couldn't hold it in, not anymore.

Through tear-stricken eyes, she voiced a sentence whose weight she knew would be monumental – but one she couldn't take back. Before she even realized it, her mouth opened and so did her heart.

"They weren't me." – she said, staring at the ground, no louder than a whisper, petrified of what she'd see if she looked up.


	10. Not The Way I Planned It (Part 2)

"They weren't you?" – an astounded Amy demanded, incredulously, shock and sheer anger taking over her once more. If Karma thought Amy was mad before, right now she was fuming. "What the hell are you talking about?"

The usually warm shades of green and blue in Amy's eyes were nowhere to be found, instead replaced by coldness and resentment and Karma felt regret instantly coursing through her veins at the sight before her. She had no right to do any of this and seeing Amy in this state almost hurt more than all of the other times she caused her pain combined. But if she didn't do it now, she never would. As unfair as it was, she knew as much.

Before she could contemplate on her next words, Amy cut in again. It was like something broke inside of her and all of her pent-up pain that she's covered up after the whole Liam mess, hell, maybe even after the wedding rejection itself, rushed towards the surface in a devastating mix.

"You know, Karma, just because I used to be in love with you, that doesn't mean every girl I date has to be just like you. " – Amy spewed angrily, staring Karma down, but as soon she saw the raw hurt and pure shock in her best friend's glistening emerald gaze, she gulped nervously, blinked through fresh tears of her own and instantly regretted what she said. It was a step too far. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's fine, I deserved that." – Karma replied, waving her hand around dismissively, pretending that she was okay and brushing it aside, despite breaking on the inside slowly. Because, of all Amy had said, the only thing she could focus on right now was the use of the past tense. _I used to be in love with you_. Not anymore.

Amy exhaled heavily before calmly approaching her best friend again, her heartbroken expression making the blonde's own gaze soften. She never could stand seeing her hurt and as chaotic as Karma's mind and soul were, there had to be a reason why she acted the way she did. Anger wasn't going to be the right way to get it out of her, Amy rationalized, despite being entitled to react that way. But even after everything, Karma was still her best friend and she'd always have that instinct to protect her – especially now when she looked so fragile and vulnerable.

"Karma, you need to talk to me." – Amy said, cautiously rubbing her best friend's arms, in the exact same way she did at the wedding to reassure Amy that it was okay. Although it was a different context, the brunette's mind drifted there for a moment and it hurt. More than she was ready for. _I should've listened to you, Amy. I should've let myself feel._

"I'm trying but I just..I can't." – Karma said, her facial expressions betraying her inner fight at this point. She gently distanced herself from Amy as much as she didn't want to, and started pacing back and forth nervously instead, trying to cover up her teary eyes to no avail, not knowing what else she could do.

Amy watched on helplessly as Karma attempted to do what she always did when she was scared – avoid it, deny it, brush it aside, pretend that she's fine. But she wasn't. It was so painfully clear and this time the blonde couldn't stand back and watch. So much of what happened between them could've been avoided if they just had an honest conversation, no matter how hard or scary it was. They had to start being the new version of themselves, an improved duo, not two people who used to say everything to each other now keeping the major stuff bottled up. The truth had a way of coming up anyway. It was high time to stop faking.

Which was why the blonde tried again – she slowly took a few steps towards the torn, auburn-haired girl and gently tugged at her shoulders from behind, forcing her to turn around and make eye contact – and that's when she saw it. Karma looked so small and scared it cut a hole through her and made her clutch at her heart instinctively. It reminded Amy of the little Karma she held in her arms while she mourned the passing of her grandma, the little Karma who had lost all hope and couldn't open herself up to anyone anymore. Only the blonde herself could bring down those walls and she was hoping she could do that again.

"I'm your best friend, you know that, right?" – Amy asked, shyly, almost uncertainly, and the torn brunette could only nod mutely, feeling the words she desperately wanted to verbalize get stuck in her throat again. She was blocking them all together – like she always did. She never thought hearing the words Amy and best friend in the same sentence would hurt so much. She couldn't help but wonder how many times Amy felt that same ache in her chest because of her. It really wasn't fair. "And I know we've been through hell and back but I don't want you to ever feel like you can't come to me. You can tell me anything. I promise."

And with that, she tried to pull Karma in for a hug, but the brunette stopped her hands mid-air, holding them shakily instead. Her breath hitched in her throat and she closed her eyes, allowing her tears to build up but not letting them fall just yet. With a sudden rush of courage she didn't even know she had, she inched closer, her forehead resting against her best friend's. When she felt Amy inhale sharply, she knew it was her cue to impose some distance. Past Karma would have let Amy hug her and chase away her fears, past Karma would have suggested a sappy movie marathon as a distraction, or any usual best friend routine until she was ready to talk. But this time, she couldn't.

This time she knew it wouldn't be enough. Only Amy could wreck her, fix her, love her, cherish her and be her one and only. And that scared the living daylights out of her. But being without her scared her even more. It was now or never.

"Amy, I.." – she whispered, her eyes still closed and her forehead still touching Amy's, so close yet so far. The blonde tried to control her breathing, barely succeeding, taken aback by Karma's sudden need to be so close to her, despite trying _so_ hard to move on and swearing she wouldn't let herself be affected by her touch anymore. "God, why is this so hard to say?" – Karma asked no one in particular, letting out a hollow, barely there laugh.

"Did you get drunk and dance on a table again? Because I'd be embarrassed to talk about that too." – Amy cracked a light smile at her clumsy attempt at breaking the tension and Karma giggled and looked at her like she was brighter than the sun – finally realizing something she should've known the moment she met the girl before her at the playground in kindergarten. It was so _Amy_ to know exactly what she needed. It always has been.

The brunette's laugh came again, this time even more honest and genuine, and her gaze locked with the all –too familiar green and blue shades that she spent half of her life drowning in and loving with every fiber of her being but never realizing just how much and this time she finally knew – no doubts, no questions, no going back.

There was no one in the world she could ever want to be with more than the overly sarcastic, brave, honest, beautiful, loving and selfless Amy Raudenfeld.

Because no matter how messed up she was and how badly she hurt her – even now, she was more preoccupied with making sure _she_ was okay instead. No matter what she did to hurt Amy, she was always there when she was spinning out of control, picking her up when she was hurting and always putting her first, like no one ever had, seeing her as beautiful even in her darkest hours when no one else seemed to, not even herself.

"I don't deserve you, Amy. I never have. Not even when we were kids." – Karma said, her voice dropping and her heart pounding in her chest, louder and stronger. It was the truth and she despised herself for not realizing how many times she took her best friend for granted when she deserved more.

"That's not true—" – Amy cut in, but Karma quickly silenced her. She had to say her part. It was high time she did.

"No, you are too good to me and I know this isn't fair and I know I'm too late and you deserve so much more but I just.."- the brunette's words came, rushed and barely understandable, clouded up by the whimpers taking over her body that she couldn't control no matter how hard she tried to. "I'm sorry, I..I think I should go."

Getting cold feet was unplanned – unlike the whole speech she had planned and maybe rehearsed hours ago but forgot every word of the minute she looked at Amy. Because maybe no right words were created to express the monumental truth of what she was feeling now and should've let herself feel a long time ago. She tried to turn around and walk away, not bearing the weight of Amy's questioning, confused, open gaze. Maybe she was too weak. Maybe it was too late. Maybe she deserved all the hurt and her best friend deserved all the happiness that she could never give to her. Maybe she just had to accept that and move on.

But this time, the conflicted blonde wouldn't have any of it. She stopped her hand mid-air and reassured her – the only way she knew how to. "Hey, hey, it's okay..it's okay." – Amy whispered lowly in a soothing tone, this time gently drawing her in for a hug and rubbing circles on her back absentmindedly, hoping to help her somehow, not knowing what else she could do. She's known Karma her whole life and she's never seen her so torn.

Karma held on tighter than ever, fearing that if she loosened her grip, Amy would slip away. She already felt her slipping away – and more than just once – because of her. But this time, she'd be damned if she let her go again. She should have chased after her the first time she confessed her feelings, she should have told her that kiss in the pool meant something, she should've told her that she's the only person in this world she could never bear to lose. And when Amy finally broke the hug and looked at her the way no one else ever did, she couldn't take it anymore.

So she did what she does best – act. She gently cupped Amy's face, her eyes glistening with unshed tears and maybe silent wonder and before the blonde or even herself could process the action consciously, her trembling lips were on hers – gentle, undemanding, a feather-light touch , a barely-there peck.

She felt Amy try to pull back and fight against it, fight against her – this time they were both feeling it and it was heavenly, but all too frightening. Only Amy didn't know. And even if she did, she wouldn't believe it anymore. And when Karma's hands found the back of her neck, trying to pull her closer, she jerked away in a flash, her numb senses finally waking up from their daze and reality kicking in harshly.

"What are you doing?" – the blonde uttered quietly, breathlessly for a moment, before regaining her composure, opening her eyes and sending a hurt look Karma’s way, a whirlwind of different emotions and questions bursting through – of which disbelief and shock and why now's the most poignant. She took a few steps back, avoiding eye contact, feeling her resolve falter and anger taking over again. This had to be some kind of a game, a scheme, and this time she wasn't going to be the pawn anymore. She can't get lured back into this mess again.

"Amy, I—" – Karma tried to reason with her, but the blonde already crossed the room in a flash, her hand on the door handle and her eyes filled with tears.

"You were right, I think you should leave." – she said, swallowing the painful knot in her throat and still staring at the ground, trying to compose herself, but failing – she was crumbling, slowly, but she couldn't let Karma see it after what she had the audacity to do.

"Amy—"

"Please." – she pleaded– low, breathy and almost desperate. Karma allowed her tears to fall freely too, as she passed the familiar sight of a heartbroken Amy that she caused, once more. It's everything she knew how to do lately and she couldn't even keep track of the amount of times she cursed herself for it.

She played this encounter in her head a dozen times before but, despite being the planner, it was everything she hoped it wouldn't be and the opposite of what she desperately wanted, craved, needed, desired with everything that she was. And she was the one to blame. She caused it all.

That was the only thought plaguing her late at night when she cried her eyes out and hopelessly tried to close her eyes and forget. But sleep wouldn't come – only heartache and regret. She caused this - she had a million opportunities to make it right before and she didn't take any of it. This time it genuinely felt too late.


	11. From Present To Future Tense

When Karma confessed that she couldn't stand not talking to Amy and that it caused her physical pain, she didn't mean it as an exaggeration, quite the opposite. Ever since they were kids, they never held grudges on each other that lasted more than a few days, a week at worst. The need to make things right and talk to each other overpowered everything else, and one of them ended up caving and knocking on the other's door, quite often with cake frosting and heartfelt apologies.

But now it's been two weeks of awkward hellos and avoiding each other at school and Karma was finding it harder and harder to bear the silent treatment. She hadn't slept in days and felt like a zombie most of the time, guilt and heartache consuming her. She knew this time she needed to step up and do something herself, she was the one who needed to make the extra effort because she had screwed up monumentally. Again.

In those two weeks of silent self-reflection, she had realized that she always screwed up and Amy forgave her time and time again even when she didn't deserve it. Now she was scared Amy was pulling away for good - they've made it through some heavy stuff but at one point, Karma had to wonder just how much their fragile friendship could take.

_If only I could stop being such a trainwreck._

The thought, despite not being verbalized, echoed loudly in her head and she couldn't turn that voice off, try as she might. That was the last shred of reason she listened to before her feet carried her to Amy's house on impulse - but apparently, her impulses and reason didn't quite work together - because somehow, sneaking out through the backdoor of Amy's garage and into her room seemed like a marvelous idea.

It wasn't.

The blonde was casually browsing her laptop, her mind a thousand miles away and her thoughts a jumbled mess. Her hair was tied up into a messy ponytail and there were dark circles under her eyes too - not-so-subtle clues as to how restless her nights had been lately as well. She was still mad and confused, but most of all, she was just numb. She and Karma never spent so much time being awkward and avoiding each other.

Just as her train of thought led to her auburn-haired best friend, the sound of said best friend's voice cursing reached her ears. She inwardly debated whether she'd gone crazy or not or if the sound was just coming from inside her head, before she heard more noise from outside her door.

She jumped off her bed in a flash, fearing the worst, and opened the door, finding an apologetic looking Karma who seemed to be in pain - for more than just one reason.

"Karma? Are you okay? What are you doing here?" - the blonde questioned, the worry for her well-being overcoming any residual anger for a fleeting moment.

Karma smiled awkwardly, silently cursing herself for tripping while attempting to make a smooth, movie-like entrance. She was a klutz and it seemed like, the more she planned, the less she accomplished.

"I'm fine. Just..had a little disagreement with your stairs." - she laughed, awkwardly, before a special kind of silence kicked in - the one in which you both want to say something but you don't know what, so you rather not say anything.

The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And clearly Amy wasn't appreciating her silence either. Neither was she, for that matter, but she couldn't find anything to say once she took Amy's appearance in. She was so casually, effortlessly beautiful and she cursed herself for not seeing it before. Did it always have that effect on her?

"Why are you here, Karma?" - Amy pressed on, the tone of her voice coming out colder and harsher than she intended. She tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear and crossed her arms defensively, drawing in a sharp breath.

"You never used to ask me that before." - Karma remarked sadly, her voice small and defeated, despite trying to sound certain and strong. This whole encounter was played so differently in her head time and time again and the reality of where it was leading to only fully sunk in now and it scared her. When had they become _this_? It was so far from the real Karma and Amy she wasn't even sure she knew the way back anymore. And that crushed her.

"Well, I'm asking you now." - Amy countered, bravely holding her best friend's hesitant, hurt gaze, her arms still crossed in a seemingly tough pose, despite her heart dropping too.

Karma took a deep breath to compose herself, the action doing little to soothe her, quite the contrary.

"I had to see you." - she said, simply. "I wanted to apologize, Amy. I messed up on so many levels, I-"

"It's fine, Karma." - Amy intervened, waving her hand dismissively and attempting to brush it off, but the underlying pain and exhaustion in her movements was so vivid.

Karma wondered, briefly, just how many times she missed all of this, how many times she bought into Amy's I'm-totally-fine excuse. Because now she was finally paying enough attention and she was seeing everything so clearly - and it hurt. Too much. But what devastated her was that, even now, she was probably only feeling a fraction of Amy's hurt.

"No, it's not." - Karma cut in, angrily, though that anger was mainly directed at herself, for once. "Stop pretending." - she demanded, almost desperately, taking hold of both of Amy's arms, despite her flinching momentarily and trying to pull away, as if she was tasered.

_How did we come to this?_

The auburn-haired girl was ready for any kind of reaction from Amy but the one she received next. The blonde actually laughed mockingly - the sound was hollow and forced and nowhere near the sound of Amy's real, genuine laughter she had come to know for years.

"That's some advice coming from you, Karma." - she taunted once more. Past Karma would have instantly evened the score by coming up with an equally harsh comeback and turning this conversation into a screaming match just to prove she could get back at Amy and hurt her too. But this time, she swallowed the knot stuck in her throat painfully and did something she should've done a long time ago.

"You're right. I have been pretending. But I'm not, not anymore." - Karma said with such painful finality the blonde was rendered speechless and forced to listen instead, as much as she didn't want to, as entitled as she was to drive Karma away and not listen to anything she had to say because she didn't deserve it anymore.

And what happened next took Amy completely by storm - her best friend's body started shaking and tears formed in her eyes, her grasp on the blonde's hands so strong it hurt - she'd be damned if she let go. Not now. Especially now. Not ever.

"I'm sorry, Amy. I'm so sorry." - she whimpered, her glistening emerald gaze travelling from Amy's tense jaw to her transparent green-blue eyes and then her mouth, which was set in a firm line. The blonde was trying to stand her ground but seeing Karma like that was almost too much to handle. Almost. "More than you know. I'm sorry for _everything_."

Against her better judgment, the auburn-haired girl lunged forward, trapping Amy in more ways than one, holding her frame close and wrapping her arms around her neck. The blonde's body was stiff at first but then she reluctantly hugged her best friend back, still doing everything in her power to maintain her cover and not let Karma get under her skin again, but tears were swelling in her eyes too, threatening to spill. There were far too many times Karma broke her and sorry wasn't going to cut it. Not anymore.

She broke the hug abruptly, her next gesture taking them both by surprise.

"Is that all you wanted to say?" - she snapped, the tone of her voice seemingly devoid of emotion but her eyes telling a completely different story.

And that's when Karma felt it - that crushing pain in her chest she knew Amy must've felt a thousand times before, and because of her, during all the moments she should've said more but didn't, during all the moments she said the wrong thing when her heart ached for the right. She couldn't turn back time but she could make it right _now_ , at this very moment. She had to fight for her, for them, for what they could and should've been all along.

"No, not even close.." - the brunette whispered, swallowing her fears and trying her best to stand her ground under Amy's piercing gaze. "I have so much left to say, Amy, so much I should've said but I was too scared. And you deserved to hear it, you still do."

Amy's gaze softened without her even realizing it, and this time when Karma grabbed her hands, she didn't even flinch, she let her hold them, she let her defenses down to allow Karma to say what she obviously needed to say. It wasn't very often that she saw her like this - openly displaying her fears, so regretful and scared. She couldn't push her away even if she deserved it. And, just maybe, they've hurt each other enough.

"I..I love you." - the long repressed words finally emerged from within Karma, and this time it felt as easy as breathing. There was a time everything was easy with them. Once the words were out, she felt like a huge burden's been lifted off her back, but that sensation was short-lived, because panic soon came rushing in. She dreaded Amy's reaction more than anything but it was too late to take it back. And maybe she just didn't want to. "More than I've ever loved anyone. I don't know how and I don't know why but it's _always_ been you. And I've been so afraid because..if I lose you, I'm left with nothing, Amy. No one would even care if I vanished tomorrow or-"

"What are you talking about? We’ve been over this before, Karma, of course they would-" - the blonde countered incredulously, attempting to reassure Karma the only way she knew how to. She wanted to tell her that there's a reason they've been best friends for all of these years, that she would be devastated and possibly never recover if anything happened to her, that she had so many people in her life who would feel that way too. She never understood why Karma didn't see what she's been seeing and loving for a decade - more and more each day.

"Not like you." - Karma said, this time gathering all of her courage to not look away, but stare deep into the mesmerizing shades of green and blue in Amy's eyes - seeing straight into the soul she's known and loved her whole life. And the sheer love she found staring back at her made her weak in the knees. She had been blind for too long. Not anymore. "I've been _such_ an idiot, Amy.."

"What do you mean?" - the blonde asked, visibly confused by the brunette's reactions. One moment she was crying and now she was apparently laughing - rather a sad attempt at it.

"It's you. _Of course_ it's you." - she whispered, seemingly more to herself, like a realization she should've had several months, maybe years ago. Because, before she was even a blip on Liam Booker's radar, she was the center of someone else's world without even knowing it. And her best friend was the center of hers, too. She always has been.

Her laughter came to a halt and she knew it wasn't the time, but she couldn't help but notice how cute Amy looked when she was confused. She wondered how many times she found herself staring at her from across the room or during geometry, quietly admiring her, but never registering why, how many times she thought of Amy on a daily basis and how every single good thing in her life was instantly better when she had her best friend by her side to share it with. Her expression switched to solemn and affectionate, as she grabbed both sides of the blonde's face, forcing her not to break eye contact.

"I love you. I'm _in love_ with you."

Emotions flared in Amy's eyes, settling on raw hurt of everything else - confusion, shock, maybe longing and a touch of happiness too, but it was buried too deep to be let out again. She couldn't let that hope back in. She had to go with the more plausible alternative - Karma must be faking it, this must be part of some grand scheme for popularity and she must be asking her to play the part again.

"Is this..is this some kind of a joke?" - she broke free from her best friend's grasp, raising her hand in the air to point at her incredulously, feeling it shake as she spoke, along with her whole body.

"Of course it's not-" - the brunette cut in, desperately, more astounded by Amy's reaction than she was ready for, despite knowing she compelled her to act this way. Of course she'd doubt it. She gave her all the reasons to. "I know I've lied about a lot of things but I'm not lying about this, Amy. I couldn't even if I wanted to."

Amy opened her mouth to say something, anything, but her mind could barely process what she was hearing. Karma bit hard on her lip, feeling her heart shatter with each passing moment of silence. Now she knew how her best friend must've felt during that awful moment of silence after she confessed her feelings, her voice so tragically hopeful the memory still burned holes in her. She had crushed her that night, and Amy's silence was crushing her now.

 _Karma's a bitch. -_ she remarked bitterly in her mind. She was too fearful to even appreciate the irony at this point.

"Say something, Amy. _Please."_ \- she pleaded, no longer caring how pathetic she sounded or looked. Eventually, the stunned blonde let out a heavy, hushed, single word that held more meaning than either of them were ready for.

"Why?" - Amy's strained voice finally came. It was loaded with even more questions. Why now? Why not sooner? Why at all?

"I guess at some point.." - the brunette paused, swallowing painfully, her throat dry and constricted and the words barely passing her lips. "I realized what you wanted me to. That my prince charming was princess sarcasm. And I know I have no right to, but I just wanted you to still want me too. Do you?"

The weight of the brunette's question was looming above her, and as immersed as she was in her own fair share of denial, the blonde knew the truth. Of course she still wanted Karma. Of course she still loved her like that. She always has. But she had to protect her heart somehow too.

"It's not that easy, Karma." - she settled on an ambiguous answer, not realizing how hurt her best friend was by it. She felt like someone stomped her heart right there. She was too late. _Serves you right._

"I understand." - the torn brunette eventually said, no longer caring about the tears spilling from her eyes. She couldn't control them, anyway. "Maybe I should go-"

"No." - the blonde said, louder than she intended, grabbing her best friend's arm, stopping her dead in her tracks. "That's not what I..I _know_ you, Karma. You don't _know_ what you want. You get those ideas in your head and half the time they're borderline crazy but you're always _so_ sure they'll work out and-"

That's when Karma closed the distance between them and kissed her - soft and slow and filled with everything she still couldn't say and quiet promises of more, better - what they should've had all along.

She didn't kiss her just because she was rambling and she looked adorable doing it.

She didn't kiss her just to prove how much she meant it.

She didn't kiss her just because she's been aching to do it for longer than she was willing to admit.

She did it because she needed to. Not just wanted to.

And when she pulled away and Amy looked at her - dazed, confused, spellbound and still so painfully in love, she was hoping it was enough proof that she meant it and that maybe she still did too.

"I'm sure now. " - Karma said, one hand gently caressing the blonde's cheek while the other was holding her side protectively.

"So where do we go from here?" - Amy asked, fearfully but admittedly less scared than she was before. She wasn't ready to say more just yet, although she was aching to.

"Wherever you want us to." - Karma said, quietly, a small smile tugging at her lips as she reached out for Amy's hand, intertwining their fingers. "We'll figure it out together."

Amy's heart soared under the weight of that loving gaze and she could only nod mutely. She's known Karma her whole life and she never looked at her like that. She wasn't ready for how it would feel and it made her oddly nervous - even around the girl she's seen at her worst, the one she shared everything with.

"Karma, I-"

"I know. I know."


End file.
